Editor’s note: It was recently revealed that the New York Times, after publishing an editorial from Democratic Presidential Savior/Candidate Barack Obama on the need for immediate surrender in Iraq, rejected a counterpoint editorial from post-maverick Senator John McCain, the Republican nominee for President. This apparent double standard has led many to speculate on the reasons behind the Times rejection of McCain. Happily, Human Events has obtained a copy of the rejection letter, which is reprinted for the record below.
To: Senator John McCain
Evil Republican Standard Bearer
From: Pinch Ahmadinejad Sulzberger
Editor-in-Chief-for-Life, New York Times
New York, NY
Re: Submission (yours)
Dear Senator McCain,
Thank you for your recent unsolicited editorial submission to the New York Times. While we appreciate your desire to have your piece published in America’s newspaper of record, we regret that we cannot use it at this time.
We understand that you have had many thoughts published in the New York Times in the past, and that you have enjoyed fawning coverage by both our editors and reporters for years. However, it has recently come to our attention that you are, in fact, a Republican. We therefore cannot publish any more of your work until after you have lost the upcoming Presidential election. We encourage you to submit bitter critiques of conservative figures after that time.
We hope that you do not take this rejection personally, as you have been very useful to us in the past, and — like all good manipulable politicians — you care deeply about how you are described in our venerable and uppity pages. But you must understand that our past praise of you was conducted only with the hope of damaging other leading Republican figures with whom you disagreed. Now that you are the leading Republican figure, our only hope is to damage you, the Anti-Barack. May you cease to threaten the coming 1000-year peace of the Dalai Obama’s reign. (Hock, Patooie!)
Oo, that reminds me, please (for old Time’s sake) post the following classified employment advertisement in the Senate break room. We suddenly have a position available.
Wanted: Republican or near-Republican Senator to serve as “iconoclastic maverick” in the eyes of the World’s Most Important Newspaper. Must be willing to criticize own leaders, comrades, underlings and especially the Party’s base. Must love pets and illegal aliens. Veteran status a plus. Only non-smokers, please.
Again, thank you for all your many past services, sucker.
P.S. We would, of course, be willing to reconsider your article if you are willing to submit a revised “second draft” of the work. Please change “victory” to “American withdrawal and apology” wherever it appears, and offer to serve (if asked) in the upcoming Obama administration. Also, please try to work in a reference to speculators contributing to Global Warming. Thanks.
P.P.S. The newsroom says “Hi.”