Donut Elitism

On our drive back to Washington DC from Charleston, SC, my 20-something ladyfriends and I had reached several conclusions: bourbon is not the miracle nutrition drink we thought it was, Usher’s "Let’s Make Love In The Club" is really a song about feeling lonely in crowds, and, most importantly, we were in dire need of donuts.

We were in a donut deficit. A carb crunch. A sugar shortage.

It would’ve been a scene out of Sex in the City — one blonde, one brunette and one redhead, cruising with the windows down, looking for food — except we were in the 7th hour of an 8-hour car trip that actually took 10 hours, and around hour 4 we had discovered that Dove deodorant doesn’t quite live up to the claims made in its advertisements. And, we were cruising in my friend’s 1999 Ford Contour that made a
speech-impeding rattle whenever it went above 65mph.

Like any healthy American, we believed donuts would cure all that. Being the driver, I offered to veer off the highway into a nearby 7-Eleven and snatch the fried delicacies from the Dunkin Donuts display that is sure to be found in every fine 7-Eleven establishment — perhaps to ensure the cops will arrive after the nightly robberies.

"Not Dunkin’!" Miss M, squealed, in that whiny, I’ve-driven-in-a-car-for-7-hours voice. If you’ve ever been around a girl of any age, you’re aware of it. And if you’re a guy you’ve probably given in to it.  It’s a useful tool for everything from relationships to donut procurement. But not terribly effective on other women.

I held a water bottle up to my mouth and pretended it was a microphone.  “Miss M!” I said in my best game show host voice. “Why is is that you’re a self-proclaiming donut elitist?”

I whipped the water bottle mike into her face so she could respond, and in the process, whacked her in the nose. She squealed again, but this time in pain. I apologized profusely.

"If I’m going to waste a bunch of calories on donuts they might as well be the really good kind," she finished, holding her nose.

Whoa, whoa. One can never waste calories on a donut. And in a car filled with girls, such a phrase was like saying, "Oh sure, you might not care how you look in a bathing suit, eating such pedestrian pastries, but I’m taking my dessert from St. Moritz."

That logic had me stumped, and wishing I had ordered a salad at lunch. Isn’t it impossible to actually dislike the holy-er, holey-pastries? Hand me a chocolate-iced, crème-filled concoction in sweet bready package, and I’m down for the count-about three seconds to be exact, which is how long it takes me to consume a donut. Any donut.

It might be better if the rest of the conservative movement spent its time arguing about donuts rather than presidential candidates anyway, since sweet emotions will trump painful ones. But of all the conservatives I’ve spoken to, it seems pretty clear that there’s not much debate, and that Miss M was clearly on the wrong side of the line when it came to this one.

"Look, the Krispy Kreme donut is the Toyota Prius of donuts," explained my staunchly conservative, ever-hungry boyfriend. "It packs more sugar in a smaller size and everyone thinks you have excellent taste because you have one. But some people like to get something more out of a donut than diabetic shock. Dunkin’ Donuts satisfies your appetite. It’s like a truck — robust, tough."

While he made more car analogies, I kept thinking about that salad. And the more I talked to my friends, the more their love of Dunkin seemed to be based in their conservative convictions.

Here’s another friend: "If Krispy Kreme was so great its stock wouldn’t have tanked. DD beats the crap out of it, in taste, and profitability."

Donut preferences based on stock performance? You’re killing me.

"The Dunkin Donut is far superior on multiple dimensions, first and foremost being coffee," said another.

That’s right! Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t advertise "free trade" coffee. That’s definitely conservative!

"Krispy Kreme is so careless they don’t even put the word "donut" in their name.  Obviously, Dunkin Donuts has the rhetorical edge," said another.

Proper representation of the issues.  Again, a weapon of the right.

"How can "Kreme" be "Krispy" anyway? Talk about apathy toward your own product," said the conservative bloggeredhead. "Imagine if Burger King were up against ‘Flabby Buns and Wet Cheese.’ I think it’s pretty clear which one would win."

Appealing to core American values. I think I’m on to something.

Then there’s this: "They even come in pink-with sprinkles!"

First, that’s a wash. Both have pink sprinkly donuts. Second, experts agree that "pink" and "sprinkles" skew Democratic.

So, can Miss M be a true conservative and go for the Kreme du Krisp?

Doubtful. Maybe it’s because "Hot Now" conveys the outdated liberal mentality of immediate gratification.  My opinion? Take a preemptive action and eat the donut before it goes stale.