If I Am Elected Vice President

Last year, I enjoyed taking a momentary respite from my rather serious cultural and political commentary in order to share my tongue-in-cheek campaign promises in the column “If I Am Elected President.” Because I didn’t make that political cut, I decided to weigh in on the vice presidency this year. The timing seems particularly apropos, not only because of the ongoing election but also because The Washington Post currently is running a new “Chuck Norris Facts” contest.

It really doesn’t matter whose presidential ticket I ride on as vice president because America will be a Chucktatorship when I step into office. If I am elected vice president, I promise to fulfill these pledges unilaterally within my first 30 days in office:

— If I win on McCain’s ticket, consider the Middle Eastern wars over. Our enemies are toast.

— If I win on Hillary’s ticket, I promise you that Bill will stay out of the Oval Office and on his Total Gym. If he argues with me, I will put him on latrine duty throughout the whole White House.

— If I win on Obama’s ticket, I will appoint Barack to be co-editor (with Oprah) of my new political magazine, “Uh-O!”

— I will retire President Bush to his new position as judge on “Dancing With the Stars.” (I considered him as a dancer, but that got ruled out pretty quickly.)

— I will appoint my new homeland security secretary: Simon Cowell.

— I personally will secure all of our borders by running my new reality television program, “Walker, Texas Robocop.”

— For some humor and entertainment, the Supreme Court justices will be among the competitors in the championship of my World Combat League. The final match will be conservative Alito against liberal Breyer. May the best man … or justice … win! That should be hilarious!

— During the next four World Series and Super Bowls, “The Star-Spangled Banner” will be sung by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (in 2/4 time).

— I will toughen up Congress by personally starting each session with a reading from my upcoming (fall release) American manifesto through Regnery Publishing, titled “Black Belt Patriotism.”

— If he continues to develop nuclear weapons, I will change the last name of the Iranian president from Ahmadinejad to Smith or Johnson — just because I can. For as long as I’m in office, his country will be renamed from “I-ran” to “You’d-better-run.”

— I will force all government leaders and agencies to follow the Constitution and Bill of Rights or deport them immediately to their new “Guantanamo Bay offices” in the newly incorporated U.S. territory of the North Pole.

— Because America will be a Chucktatorship and because I’m tired of the bickering of partisan politics, I am going to unite the Republicans and Democrats into one party, called the “Republicrats.”

— In order to slash the deficit, instead of Congress receiving cushy pensions that are more like lotteries, I will turn back the salary clock to the good ol’ days from 1789 to 1815, when members received per diem payments of $6 (for only the days they worked). Or maybe I’ll fight for the proposal of Benjamin Franklin, who, during the Constitutional Convention, considered recommending that elected officials receive no payment at all for their service because they should execute their duties out of love for their country and its citizens.

— Once I’m in office, the Texas court system will handle all future federal and state court cases. All parties involved will be allowed full and fair hearings under our “Alamo Due Process.”

— Fox News will add one more foxy White House correspondent to its lineup: my wife, Gena. But if anyone calls her “sweetie,” he’ll wish he hadn’t.

— I will erect two additional terrorist-deterring national monuments to two of my favorite movie stars and heroes: John Wayne and Charlton Heston. These monuments will be known collectively as “The Smith & Wesson Memorials.” (Of course, Heston’s will have a three-story high Ten Commandments fountain in the center.)

— Regardless of who becomes president, I will write and deliver the next four State of the Union speeches, titled “We did it THE PEOPLE’s way I, II, III and IV.”

— My only selfish request remains to preside over and “handle” the trial of Osama bin Laden, but I doubt it ever will happen because, as it says in a Chuck Norris “fact” I read online, Osama never will be found because he owes me $5.

— My greatest goal in my first 30 days in office, however, will be to force oil cartels to cut gas prices in half immediately, or they’ll find themselves missing in action in Siberia.

Do I have your vote?