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An entirely believable news story.

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Oppressed, Disenfranchised Coyotes Fight Back Against Global Warming Apes

An entirely believable news story.

Communities east of Los Angeles have seen a spate of “attacks” by coyotes against children playing menacingly in local parks and yards.  Although scientists are said to be puzzled by the attacks, one thing is for sure: the incidents are somehow man’s fault.

“This is the coyote’s land.  Man has pushed his developments into their backyard, leaving the coyotes with no choice but to find a new food source: human toddlers,” said Bill Grantdabbler, an entirely made-up, but still quite plausible, biologist interviewed for this fake story.

Grantdabbler rejects the possibility offered by this interviewer that perhaps coyotes are just wild dogs doing what dogs do given the opportunity: hunting defenseless prey.

“Before the white man stole their natural resources and pitted them against other animals in a colonialist scheme to control nature, coyotes were matriarchical pacifists living ‘off the grid’ in sustainable vegan ecovillages,” he added.  “We changed that.  The chickens have now come home to roost.”

Dawn Dreamer-Berkowicz, an eco-activist and professional provider of quotes for stories on the environment, had a second explanation, “Climate Change is driving these animals to act in ways they’ve never acted before.  2007 was one of the three warmest years since 2004.  Is it a coincidence that these attacks are now on the upswing?”

“This fits a pattern of other strange natural events that my group, Anecdotes without Borders, has been documenting for years,” said Dreamer-Berkowicz.  “Less ice in some places, heavier snowfall in others.  Droughts in one year, followed by greater-than-average rains the next.  Hurricanes and cyclones are happening annually.  Now the coyotes have joined their voices to the chorus of signals that the planet is in peril.  Oh, when will we sign Kyoto?”

Edgar Misanthrope of the Front for the Earth Liberation Front, went further: “Mother Earth is not defenseless and passive.  We know from the Gaia Hypothesis that the Earth seeks balance when challenged and we know that many animals can sense danger at a level beyond man’s understanding — earthquakes, floods and so on.”

“These coyotes understand what the problem is: too many humans, and so they’re taking them out in the most rational order possible — babies first.  I mean, do you know how much plastic it takes just to keep one selfish human larva in disposable diapers?  And don’t even get me started on the gas mileage of minivans to transport the precious little consumers-in-training to Wal-Mart!”

Earl Armstrong, a local redneck interviewed as a perfunctory counterpoint to the above experts, disagreed with mainstream explanations for the surge in attacks and offered his own theory on why coyotes have only recently become such a hazard: “Well, people used to shoot ‘em.”

“That kept the population thinned out and the ones that survived learned to fear man.  Now folks just watch the coyotes jog right through the backyard and take a picture to send to their friends.  Maybe some of them call the state to complain if their cat gets eaten or something.  But that’s about it.  Basically, people got soft.”

Tanya O’thority, a spokesman for the California Department of Natural Treasures strongly discouraged such “yahoo vigilantism” and added that Armstrong may be a homophobic racist for even suggesting that anyone outside of the state make a decision to cull problem wildlife.

O’thority had these hints and suggestions for locals who may come into conflict with misunderstood or displaced coyotes:

â?ž « “Remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them.  It may seem like they’re chewing on your daughter’s head, but that’s just a fear response.”

â?ž « “Remember that the attack is probably your fault.  Try to think of what you did to provoke it and apologize before your lips are eaten.”

â?ž « “Don’t leave food out or open any windows in your home if it contains food.  Also, keep your garbage locked in your car until garbage day.  Food and food smells are just one of the many ways we bring these attacks on ourselves.”

â?ž « “A recent 3-year, $640,000 study, paid for by the state, indicates that children may be attacked more frequently because they are smaller than adults.  If attacked, try to make your child seem as large as possible.”

O’thority adds that many of these same techniques have not been proven to not work with mountain lion attacks as well, should you provoke any mountain lions.

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Written By

Mr. Johnson, a writer and medical researcher in Cambridge, Mass., is a regular contributor to HUMAN EVENTS. His column generally appears on Tuesdays. Archives and additional material can be found at www.macjohnson.com.

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