The Hillary Clinton Show

I thought there’d be skiing in Hell before I ever said this, but I’m pulling for Hillary.
Sure, she’s an opportunistic, manipulative, corrupt liar with more baggage than the QE II. And sure, she’s a socialist who wants to nationalize everything and confiscate big honking chunks of private enterprise profits while taxing you to Kingdom Come. And sure, she’s got a Significant Other who should be in jail. And sure, the two of them are seeking an illegal third term as president.

But all of that aside, Hillary Clinton has it going on. Girlfriend should stay in the Democratic race until the bitter end (and not just because it’s more fun than a game of Twister for Republicans). Here’s why:

1.  She Can Still Win. I know, I know. All of the political dweebs have their slide rules out, calculating pledge delegates and proclaiming that she can’t possibly beat Barack Obama. They’re all saying it’s “mathematically impossible.” Don’t they know NOTHING is impossible with God…and the Clintons?

She may have a slim mathematical chance of pulling this thing out, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. When the remaining ten contests are over, she may have won the raw popular vote — in addition to most of the big industrial states the Democrats are going to need to deliver in November if they are to win the general election. She can make a plausible argument to the superdelegates that she’s the strongest candidate, the biggest draw — and that there’s safety in going with What You Know.

2.  Her Scandals are Predictable. She can say to the supers, “Look. I know my Intimate Loved One and I have some issues. I know we haven’t always been easy. But at least with us, you know what kind of scandals you’re going to get: sex, conflict of interest, influence peddling, some financial shenanigans. Fun stuff! Predictable stuff. With the Hope Guy, you have no idea what’s going to come out of left field and flatten him. Look at the Reverend Wright stuff. Nobody saw that coming, and it damn near took him out. (If only I had had a few more days…) Who knows what’s next? Do you really want to go with an Unknown Quantity?”

3.  The Magic is Gone. Yes, Obama is still drawing big crowds, but he doesn’t have as many bobby-soxers swooning to the point of requiring smelling salts anymore. Why? Reverend Wright, and a newly exposed pattern of, shall we say, “embellishments.”

Turns out that Mr. Unity n’ Change has decorated his past with selective memories. He has embroidered his family tree, claiming (among other falsehoods) that his parents got together at a civil rights march in Selma, when he was actually born to the two of them several years prior. He pandered to the people of Ohio by claiming to be staunchly against NAFTA while reassuring the Canadian leadership on the down-low that he was just kidding. He has changed his story various and sundry  times about how much of Wright’s hate-filled rants he actually heard or knew about: he went from “never” having heard them to having objected to “some” of them only after he was told about them, to acknowledging that he had actually heard “some” of them himself. The dissembling is breathtakingly Clintonian.

And, oh, by the way: he’s also said he favors banning "the manufacture, sale and possession of handguns." That oughta play well in November.

Obama has been brought down to earth by his own bobbing and weaving. He is no longer Saint Barack Obama of the Celestial Choirs, but Barack Obama, Regular Pol. On this terrain, Hillary has him beat.

4.  Independent’s Day. The November election will be won for either side by Independents. The Republicans have nominated a guy who drives conservatives up the wall, but who has tremendous appeal to the 40% of voters who vote for “the candidate” rather than “the party.” The Wright controversy didn’t damage Obama among Democrats (they’re A-OK with the anti-American hate). But it did do some damage to him among Independents. Hillary can say, “Look, I know I’ve got some work to do with those voters, considering my 50% negative rating. But I can win them back because while I’ve always been pro-me, I’ve also been pro-America!”

5.  Spouse Alert. Regardless of whom the Democrats choose, they will be buying a Wild Hair First Spouse too. Hillary should be making the argument for Bill: wouldn’t Mr. Happy Pants be way more fun than the Woman Who’s Never Been Proud of Her Country Until She Had a Shot at Being First Lady? What a downer she’d be! Plus, check out her transparent channeling of Jackie O, with the pearls and the hair flip. At least Bill doesn’t try to be anyone other than his horndog self.

So Hillary, some advice from someone who will never vote for you but who would like to see you stick it to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, and the other opportunists who’ve thrown in with the Hope Guy: Toughen up! Get that spine back! Resurrect that fearsome Tonya Harding Approach to your opponents. Bring back Mommie Dearest. We’ve missed her.  
You can still win this thing. Go get it, Girlfriend.