The Latest From the Campaign Trail

Sources close to the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign say her husband, former President Bill Clinton, and their daughter Chelsea are among those now urging Senator Clinton to end her quest for the democratic presidential nomination. The former president is said to have told his wife that personal ambition is no excuse to tear apart the party and that bowing out now is the only moral thing to do. Chelsea reportedly told her mother that she’s tired of answering questions about her father’s infidelity and she’ll refuse further campaigning if her mother doesn’t win a "substantial majority" in the next contest, the Pennsylvania primary April 22nd. The Clinton campaign has been unavailable for comment except to repeat that Senator Clinton plans to fight for the nomination all the way to the convention and beyond if necessary. A Clinton spokesman refused to explain precisely what the phrase "and beyond" means.

Noting that Senator Barack Obama continues to make "unsubstantiated charges of racism" against the Clinton campaign, the spokesman says that "black-hearted forces are trying to give the Democratic Party thick lip service on critical issues of this race, which represents wooly-headed thinking that should not be allowed to become watermelon over the dam." The spokesman added that under President Hillary Clinton, "bigotry won’t stand a chinaman’s chance."

This comes at a time when even more turmoil enbroils the race. Just this morning comes word that the Obama campaign has now been endorsed by former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who calls Obama "A moral leader for the 21st century who’ll see to it that inflation in basic necessities is brought under control, and who’ll also make sure that women are treated with respect in our society." Coincidentally, this happened within hours of John McCain being endorsed by Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Craig says McCain "will not try to tapdance his way around the issues as others attempt to stall on such pressing concerns as promiscuity in public places." The Clinton camp decries as paranoid charges from the Obama and McCain campaigns that these endorsements are dirty tricks promulgated by Senator Clinton. The Clinton spokesman concedes that, while democrats continue their nomination battle, Senator McCain has been able to gain in a recent poll. As the spokesman put it, "Congratulations to Senator McCain for being able to get it up."

Senator Obama is now taking a new approach to the controversy surrounding his former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. After the latest revelation that Rev. Wright once referred to Santa Claus as "a dirty old white man who’s broken into more homes than any homey I know," Senator Obama now says that he’s "never even met this man, whoever he is, since I’ve been a practicing Scientologist for the past 20 years." The Obama camp refuses to confirm or deny reports that initial vice presidential vetting is underway for a possible Barak Obama-Tom Cruise ticket. Asked if recent sofa-jumping behavior is an appropriate background for someone to be just a heartbeat away from the presidency, Obama says that, while he can’t condone all of Cruise’s behavior, he "cannot forsake someone who gave us Jerry Macguire, and besides, my own grandmother wasn’t always kind to the furniture."

The issue of a running mate continues to be topic one for republicans, as they prepare for the bilingual proceedings of the republican convention later this year, possibly to be moved to Tijuana. Senator McCain has raised a few eyebrows with the revelation that he’s placed in charge of his running mate search, Vice President Dick Cheney. Asked if Cheney has come up with any recommendations, Senator McCain says, "only one so far, but I’m sure the Vice President was only joking. We’ll get back to you on that." Senator McCain refused comment on reports that he’s considering Alaska Senator Ted Stevens as a running mate, except to note that "the 13 year age difference would certainly accentuate my relative youth, relatively speaking."

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