Pressure Builds on al-Queda Speech Writers

[Editor’s Note: According to a White House source, a recently-declassified document shows that al-Queda in Iraq has dramatically reduced the number of its propaganda postings because we’ve captured or killed most of their “media specialists.” Based on other declassified rumors, innuendos and internet-posted whining, Brett Winterble has translated this memo to Usama bin Laden from one of the main propagandists for al-Queda: Achmed al-Qarybabi, reportedly Usama bin Laden’s deputy chief speechwriter].

Oh, Great Sheik! You know that I worship your every word, especially the ones I wrote for you. I even worship those words that that little snot Muammar cribbed from my meeting notes. You know I will follow you in martyrdom any time, anywhere. You have but to hint that my road to glory lies elsewhere and I shall obey. But when Dr. Zawahiri recruited me for this crummy job, I never dreamed — not in my worst infidel-dominatrix nightmare — that I would have to deal with these conditions. I spent years working hard in Madrassa, studying old videos of Joseph Stalin and Benito Mussolini, to really learn how to motivate the masses to jihad. At madrassah we had it all, internet, video equipment even voice recognition software, it made issuing fatwahs a breeze. I understand that battlefield conditions are different, but things have gotten truly out of control.

I revel in the words of the Prophet, and you, Mullah Omar and Dr. Zawahiri, who knows you better than anyone other than God himself must. But I, in my own small way, am an artiste. I write for the glory of al-Queda and to achieve our restoration of the caliphate in your lifetime. (I don’t need to resolve that particular goal with the holy scriptures; if you want to stay alive to be the new caliph, that’s ok by me). But I ask how can I write the glory of your holy words while listening to that creep Muammar whining about how dark it is? I’ve been begging for my own sub-cave, with only minimal lighting so I can concentrate. Those earplugs Ali gave me are crap. They gave me an ear infection and Dr. Zawahiri has me drinking this amoxicillin junk that tastes like Christian bubble gum. (That’s what I’ve heard, anyway. I’ve never actually tasted American chewing gum.).

But I digress. I personally know of the honor of typing your draft speeches on that wonderful old Royal portable that Prince Bandar gave you. But why do I need to get 73 people to comment on my drafts before you even read it? You and I are so simpatico, why do we need all these others interfering? The revisions don’t even make sense, one Mullah commands that I mention 911 and the occupation of Israel and the occupied territories, another says, leave it out and call for worldwide mujahedeen to come to Iraq. Then someone else, an Indonesian I think wants me to taunt the Australians. Its quite confusing and demoralizing. Can someone please decide on message; and for that matter, has anyone heard of word economy? Who is going to publish a 7000 word statement, we need these to come in at 750 words max. I feel like a real Dhimmi sometimes.

The deadlines are ok, too. But why are they created by people who aren’t in the loop? And why am I the last to hear about them? In that vein, just last week, I get a memorandum from Kamal, complaining about going over budget on our video shoots. When I asked about who he was, I get nothing but blank stares. No one knows this Kamal. I’m begging you, oh Great Sheik, to cut some of these wonderful leaders out of the chain here. We need to be lean and mean like it was back in Khartoum in 1998. We could do a fatwah and have it shot and posted on the internet in a day and a half. These guys have no idea what your schedule is. For efficiency sake, why not put the video crew under my management, so I can schedule your tapings when the speeches are ready, not the other way around? Just a thought.

And speaking of the video crew, those guys are lost. Here’s the conversation between Mustafa and Muhammed that a highly reliable source (CNN) gave me, I cannot believe these two are working at the top levels of worldwide jihad:

Muhammed: I swear; if my wifi goes out once more, I am going to kick a goat.

Mustafa: Don’t use the wifi, because US military resources can pin point it and wipe us out. And all the good studios have been blown up, so now you are going have to shoot it with handhelds with your brother or cousin or father in law. We might be able to get a couple of Yemenis when they get back from Hajj.

Muhammed: This video is going to end up looking like crap, sort of a 2008 version of the Blair Witch Project, Hello! Its 2008, Blair Witch was so 1999. How are we going to scare or recruit? On top of all that, we can’t distribute it. Our contacts at the bazaars in Baghdad, won’t work for us, because US Military Intelligence will arrest them.

Mustafa: You mean I have to burn it to DVD, ONE AT A TIME, and send it out via courier? What am I Netflix? Hello, BUDGET? As it is, Ahmed is breaking my sandals over every single revision we write. Let’s go barebones, you know gonzo style, you me, and an infidel with a stick of dynamite, we can burn one copy, give it to Michael Ware at CNN, he loves our stuff… maybe we can still win a Binnie for cinematography or sound editing?

Muhammed: The Binnies? Hello!? They used to be the most prestigious Jihadi Film Awards, but haven’t been held since January 2003 when Michael Moore took home the hardware.

Mustafa: Forget it, I quit! I can’t work under these conditions, let the Egyptians or Saudis do it.

As a result of a recent raid, Mustafa and Muhammed are currently in US military custody awaiting trial. So we don’t even have these two to work for us anymore. I shudder to think what their replacements will be like.

So, great Sheik, can we do something just for the morale of the speechwriters?

We don’t need air conditioning, or even word processors. And, Allah knows, we don’t want those cell phones the Iranians gave us. Every time we use one, the only call that gets through is to the US Navy SEALs. It’s hard enough to do this job in a dark cave with all those unreasonable deadlines, Dr. Zawahiri’s micromanagement and the all the problems with the video guys. But trying to do that when these guys are tossing hand grenades into our cave-cubicles is really tough to work around.

So what do you say? This is truly a case of too many sheikhs and not enough harem girls. I can run the shop, help with the deadlines and the other guys can do the grunt work. Is it possible, we can we have a meeting on this or at a bare minimum a conference call? Regardless of what you decide, please know that I remain your loyal (albeit stressed out) servant,

Achmed al-Qarybabi