THE Democratic Party
430 S. Capitol St. SE, Washington DC 20003
From: Chairperson Doctor Governor Former Candidate for President Howard Dean
To: Ms. Karen Thurman, Florida State Chairperson
Mark Brewer, Michigan State Chairperson
All other State Chairpersons
Subject: Florida-Michigan Plan
Let me just say, no one understands rage better than I do. I’ve heard from most of you (three or four times by now. Some of you have even approached me in darkened parking lots, that was just creepy.) about your objections to the plan to solve the Florida-Michigan delegate issue by seating both delegations but giving each delegate only one half of a vote at the convention. Thanks to a connection at the NSA, I know the little rat who leaked the plan to John Harwood. Believe me, you’ll be rewarded for that, hope you enjoy canvassing in North Dakota amigo.
Well the plan has been leaked. I am concerned that it’s not reflective enough of our huge, generous multicultural, multigender and most importantly transsexually diverse party. No one wants to blow another ten or twenty million dollars on re-running the two primaries (except maybe Rush Limbaugh and John McCain). I take this matter personally. Seizing this crisis and resolving it is what I was born to do. I want to thank President Clinton, Michelle Obama, Al Gore and Michael Moore, for all their input and I have come up with a clear, simple approach to seating the delegates from both states.
It’s a really easy, two-stage process that I and we are confident will work. Here it is.
In step one, we will start with a clean slate. Because none of the Florida or Michigan delegates can be pledged to either candidate, each delegate will be apportioned fairly by a round of rock-paper-scissors between Obama and Clinton representatives. (Two out of three chances, and whichever side wins the round wins the delegate.)
I understand the inherent unfairness to those who aren’t ambidextrous or have slower reaction times. We don’t wish to penalize Mrs. Clinton’s people for being so much older and slower than the Obama folks. So, instead of giving a whole vote to each chosen delegate, we’re going to apportion the votes fairly according to these criteria.
There are ten characteristics that make up the perfect Democrat. For each of the criteria a delegate can satisfy, they will be awarded one-tenth of a vote. Some people may actually — get this — qualify for a whole vote at our convention (at which I will preside unless I’m not, by some huge injustice that will ring through history, allowed to).
Delegates will be awarded their votes on the basis of their answers to the following confidential questionnaire. Each “yes” answer is worth 1/10th of a vote:
- Have you ever used your girl friend’s cell phone to call your wife to tell her you won’t be home for dinner?
- Did you go to Canada to dodge the Vietnam draft?
- Do you drink diet Coke while eating fudge brownies? (add another tenth if they are marijuana brownies);
- Score 1/10th of a vote for each abortion you have had or paid for, receipts required;
- Do you have a client number for the Emperor’s Club and are you willing to share it (I am kidding)?
- Have you ever written a sermon for Jeremiah Wright or billing records for the Rose Law Firm?
- Can you sing “the Marseillaise” but don’t know the words to the “Star Spangled Banner”?
- Do you drive a Prius?
- Have you ever been arrested at an anti-war rally or riot? (Add 1/10th of a vote for each time you’ve been so arrested, but not if the charge was drunk and disorderly);
- Do you believe the Boy Scouts should be required to hire gay and transsexual scout masters?
Bonus essay question (Michigan delegates only, worth 3/10ths of a vote):
- Define the “Motown Sound” and describe the effect on your life of at least three Marvin Gaye songs.
Well, folks, that’s it. Now all we have to do is make this happen. Make it so.
Sincerely, My Honor,
Hackneyed Ideas Printed on Recycled Paper