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What Bill and Hillary might have said yesterday.

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Valentines Day with The Clintons

What Bill and Hillary might have said yesterday.

(This imaginary conversation between Bill and Hillary is intended for mature audiences only):

RING!

HIM:  Woman, what are you callin’ about now?  I told you not to bother me after 8pm. 

HER:  What the (expletive) are you doing? 

HIM:  (whispering)  Baby, I’ll just be a minute….don’t go.

HER:  Who the (expletive) are you talking to??  Don’t you know we’ve got a (expletive, expletive) crisis on our hands?

HIM:  Sweetheart, I think we ought to face some cold, hard facts here.

HER:  Are you (expletive) kidding me??  I humiliated myself for you, you jackass.  I lied for you.  I covered for you.  I sweated bullets for you.  All for our twenty year, 4-term plan.  And now it’s falling apart, and you’re AWOL!

HIM:  I’m not AWOL, honey.  I’m with you. 

HER:  Oh sure.  You GOT your two terms!  What about me?  Where are MY two terms?

HIM:  (giggling) You so crazy!

HER:  BILL!  Who are you (expletive)?

HIM:  Woman, it’s Valentine’s Day, my busiest day.  Cut me a break, will you?

HER:  If the press doesn’t see some (expletive) roses from you, I am personally going to kill you.  And then I’m going to throw a tarp over your (expletive) body.

HIM:  Now, now, no reason to get dramatic, honey.

HER: NO REASON TO GET DRAMATIC?!  We are about to lose the presidency to some vapid upstart, and all you can think about is your (expletive)?

HIM:  No worries, sweet pea.  I’ll go out tomorrow and work my magic.

HER:  Your (expletive) "magic" got us into this (expletive) mess.  I need you to get more aggressive with the superdelegates.  Twist some arms.

HIM: (whispering) I’ll give you something to twist….

HER:  BILL!  Would you put it back in your pants for half a second and get on the horn to the supers?

HIM:  Honey, I hate to break this to you, but I have been calling them, and frankly, they don’t like you much.

HER:  But they like YOU!  So promise them (expletive).  Or threaten them.  Or sleep with them.  I don’t care.  Just get it DONE.

HIM:  I can sleep with them? Really?  The only hot one is…

HER:  BILL!  FOCUS!

HIM:  You’re ruining my mojo.

HER:  You know what people are saying?  They’re saying that you’ve LOST your mojo.  That’s right.  Gone. 

HIM:  Why?  Because even I can’t help your flaccid candidacy?  I’m a superstar, honey, not a miracle worker.

HER:  I should’ve known you were going to (expletive) me in the end.

HIM:  You WISH I’d (expletive) you!

HER:  Please.  I was over that 25 years ago. And even then, it wasn’t so great.

HIM:  I’ve got to go.

HER:  Bill, you get those supers to pledge to us or I will go to E! with your TRUE Hollywood story.

HIM:  You wouldn’t dare.

HER:  Don’t push me.

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Written By

Monica Crowley, Ph.D., is a nationally syndicated radio host and television commentator. She has also written for The New Yorker, The Wall Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, The Baltimore Sun and The New York Post. www.monicamemo.com.  Follow her on Twitter: @MonicaCrowley.

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