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Valentines Day with The Clintons


(This imaginary conversation between Bill and Hillary is intended for mature audiences only):

RING!

HIM:  Woman, what are you callin’ about now?  I told you not to bother me after 8pm. 

HER:  What the (expletive) are you doing? 

HIM:  (whispering)  Baby, I’ll just be a minute….don’t go.

HER:  Who the (expletive) are you talking to??  Don’t you know we’ve got a (expletive, expletive) crisis on our hands?

HIM:  Sweetheart, I think we ought to face some cold, hard facts here.

HER:  Are you (expletive) kidding me??  I humiliated myself for you, you jackass.  I lied for you.  I covered for you.  I sweated bullets for you.  All for our twenty year, 4-term plan.  And now it’s falling apart, and you’re AWOL!

HIM:  I’m not AWOL, honey.  I’m with you. 

HER:  Oh sure.  You GOT your two terms!  What about me?  Where are MY two terms?

HIM:  (giggling) You so crazy!

HER:  BILL!  Who are you (expletive)?

HIM:  Woman, it’s Valentine’s Day, my busiest day.  Cut me a break, will you?

HER:  If the press doesn’t see some (expletive) roses from you, I am personally going to kill you.  And then I’m going to throw a tarp over your (expletive) body.

HIM:  Now, now, no reason to get dramatic, honey.

HER: NO REASON TO GET DRAMATIC?!  We are about to lose the presidency to some vapid upstart, and all you can think about is your (expletive)?

HIM:  No worries, sweet pea.  I’ll go out tomorrow and work my magic.

HER:  Your (expletive) "magic" got us into this (expletive) mess.  I need you to get more aggressive with the superdelegates.  Twist some arms.

HIM: (whispering) I’ll give you something to twist….

HER:  BILL!  Would you put it back in your pants for half a second and get on the horn to the supers?

HIM:  Honey, I hate to break this to you, but I have been calling them, and frankly, they don’t like you much.

HER:  But they like YOU!  So promise them (expletive).  Or threaten them.  Or sleep with them.  I don’t care.  Just get it DONE.

HIM:  I can sleep with them? Really?  The only hot one is…

HER:  BILL!  FOCUS!

HIM:  You’re ruining my mojo.

HER:  You know what people are saying?  They’re saying that you’ve LOST your mojo.  That’s right.  Gone. 

HIM:  Why?  Because even I can’t help your flaccid candidacy?  I’m a superstar, honey, not a miracle worker.

HER:  I should’ve known you were going to (expletive) me in the end.

HIM:  You WISH I’d (expletive) you!

HER:  Please.  I was over that 25 years ago. And even then, it wasn’t so great.

HIM:  I’ve got to go.

HER:  Bill, you get those supers to pledge to us or I will go to E! with your TRUE Hollywood story.

HIM:  You wouldn’t dare.

HER:  Don’t push me.