When in need of a clue to the geopolitical future, the ruling class of ancient Rome had a foolproof system. They would kill and disembowel a chicken and then an overpaid and otherwise useless “expert” would stare at chicken guts until he believed he knew something important. In a remarkable coincidence, this is the same technique that Zogby uses when conducting opinion polls on the War on Terror.
Polls on the presidential election are more precise, of course. There they kill lots of chickens so as to have a standard deviation for the final results. I point all this out as an apologetic introduction to my personal method of trying to figure out what’s going on in New Hampshire: looking around New Hampshire. Compared to chicken guts or a CBS/NYT poll, my method must seem plumb reasonable to you now.
While driving around southern New Hampshire I prayed for some sign as to who will win. Upon opening my eyes and returning to my side of the road, I was amazed to find many such signs — yard signs. An old political adage states that yard signs don’t vote. This is only partially true. In Chicago, they sometimes do vote and this year I bet they all vote for Hillary Clinton, as will the dead.
What’s more, one can make wild inferences about an entire constituency based on a few yard signs. We all do this — make judgments about the “kind” of people that support a candidate based on the houses displaying that candidate’s yard signs. But most folks aren’t brave enough to state these gross generalizations in public. Even fewer would be stupid… er, I mean brave… enough to write these generalizations down and try to charge poor patient Jed Babbin good money for them. Which reminds me, thanks for reading this far, the 300-word mark. Jed is now legally obligated to pay me.
Well, that being said, here is what I have figured out: if yard signs could vote, John McCain would be in a lot more trouble than the polls say he is. Nobody believes in John McCain enough to go stick a sign in their yard and say to the world, “Hey, World, I believe strongly in John McCain!”
This confirms my suspicions that John McCain supporters are all mealy-mouthed middle-of-the-road moderate weasels. They don’t believe in anything strongly, unless they check with the neighbors and a few newspaper editorials first to make sure it’s OK to feel that way. I see John McCain signs primarily on the side of the road on the public right-of-way. Doubtless this violates the McCain/Feingold campaign laws in some way.
Deep down inside, I believe it is illegal aliens working tax-free, off the books, and at below minimum wage that are putting those signs out on the roadside in the middle of the night, like so many bandits crossing an unguarded border on their way to getting amnesty and government benefits from John McCain. I can’t prove that and I don’t have to, because I drink a lot and can use that as a defense in court. Also, I don’t want to influence anyone with my opinion too much. If you want to destroy America and squander the patrimony of our national identity and sovereignty by voting for John McCain, then that’s what you should do, you evil bastard.
As judged by the signs, Hillary Clinton is the John McCain of the Democratic party. Or maybe John McCain is the John McCain of the Democratic Party. It’s hard to tell when you look at the man’s liberal record on border security and amnesty for immigration criminals. But again, vote for whomever you think best. Anyway, nobody wants Hillary Clinton in their yard. I see her signs mostly in vacant lots.
From this I infer that her supporters are wealthy landowners too embarrassed to put the signs in front of their John Edwards-style mansions. In fact, I believe they bought these lots just to keep them vacant, lest poor people move into them and decrease their property values. This means poor people are now living under a bridge in Manchester somewhere, all because of Hillary Clinton supporters. Again, can’t prove it, but I’m legally protected under the Americans with Disabilities act.
Obama supporters are not embarrassed by their candidate. I see lots of Obama signs out while driving around. Well, actually I see lots of the top halves of Obama signs since Obama supporters don’t seem to care enough to go fix the sign after the snow plow comes by and buries it. I don’t want to say that makes Obama the candidate of the shiftless and lazy, because sometimes it’s more fun to just infer things very openly and plead misunderstanding later. I’m sure they’re a good hard-working bunch, really, and perhaps they just can’t see the signs from the couches they sit on all day watching Oprah.
You never see a Ron Paul sign buried under snow. If need be, a Paul supporter will rig up a reinforced frame, a heating element and a spotlight to keep the sign well visible at all times. I wouldn’t want to try to steal a Ron Paul sign without a bulletproof vest and back up either. All in all, Paul supporters strike me as a sensible bunch, except for the part where they support Ron Paul. But hey, it’s not like Ron Paul wants to destroy America with a plan to amnesty millions of illegal aliens and open the border forever to whomever want to come across it, like say…. JOHN MCCAIN! So who’s supporters are nuts?
Another sign you won’t see buried under snow waiting for an earmarked aid project to lift it up into the sun at taxpayer expense is a Mitt Romney sign. Mitt Romney signs are common, placed perfectly square to the street, kept free of snow and salt and replaced when damaged by wind or a vacationing Patrick Kennedy’s car. Romney supporters also kept their darn grass cut back when we had grass — unlike Obama supporters, many of whom may be morbidly obese and couch-ridden.
I would like to comment on John Edwards supporters, but as judged by yard signs, they don’t really exist. Perhaps yard signs should be given the vote. Likewise with all the other candidates. No Kucinich. No Gravel. No Biden. No Richardson. Take a hint, guys.
I’ve only seen one Fred Thompson sign. So perhaps it was a mistake for Thompson to skip the New Hampshire debate. Also, perhaps some campaigning would have been of help at any point after that debate.
Mike Huckabee may be in a surge nationally, but in New Hampshire, as judged by signs, there are not very many Huckaberries. I saw some at a roundabout once, all standing perfectly spaced and without emotion in the cold and holding yard signs in their hands, but that doesn’t count for the purposes of this article. However, I could tell from the way they held those signs that Huckabee will raise taxes during in his first hundred days in office, pardon thousands of violent criminals and amnesty millions of McCain supporters. He will also balloon back up to 300 pounds due to the stress of the job and develop hardened arteries. So really, voting for Huckabee is to be avoided, even if you like him. Remember when Taft got stuck in the White House bathtub? That could happen again. Please stop this while we can.
Anyway, that’s what I’ve learned from my very scientific survey of New Hampshire. I predict Romney by 5 points and a race too close to call between Obama and Clinton. We’ll know January 9.