Several months ago, Hillary Clinton’s campaign website ran a banner story called, “The Top 10 Reasons to Support Hillary for President and Help Make History.” That list is now gone from the site, undoubtedly because her own team is having a hard time scraping up one reason to support her.
In honor of their delightful love of listmaking, I offer the Clinton Ladies Intervention Team a substitute list, one that I hope will bring them hope in this joyous season.
The Top Ten Reasons Why the Media Want a Third Clinton Co-Presidency:
1. Norman Hsu-Gate. This is a wonderful catch-all category for the illegal or unethical fundraising done by the Clinton campaign over the past year (please note this only applies to Hillary’s fundraising irregularities and not the phone-book-sized dossier of improper fundraising done during their first co-presidency.) Mr. Hsu, a businessman who raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for the campaign before it was revealed he’d been charged in California with fraud, has been accused of illegally bundling donations to her to get around campaign finance rules. In totally predictable fashion for a Clintonista, he went on the lam, eventually having a nervous breakdown and was then arrested. In addition, a December 15 fundraising event for Hillary at the home of Mississippi trial lawyer Richard Scruggs was called off, after Scruggs was indicted twp weeks ago for bribery. And the money keeps rollin’ in from every side.
2. Green Paint-Gate. Related to Norman Hsu-Gate, but with its own distinct characteristics. The Paw family’s address is a tiny house in California with peeling green paint and an overgrown lawn. It looks like a crack den, but somehow they managed to come up with $45,000 for Hillary’s campaign. This amazing feat of financial wizardry was repeated many times throughout New York City’s Chinatown, with dishwashers and seamstresses donating tens of thousands of their hard-earned dollars to support Hillary. They must have taken her advice and played the cattle futures by reading the Wall Street Journal.
3. Alcee Hastings-Gate. Pop quiz: How many presidential candidates have made the head of their Florida campaign a judge who was impeached for corruption? Answer: None of them, except Hillary Clinton.
4. Iraq-Gate. Former president Bill Clinton had a sudden lapse of memory about his past position on Iraq. He’d supported the invasion in 2003 and the removal of Saddam Hussein — as president, he’d signed the Iraq Liberation Act. But three weeks ago, he skated right past the truth and said he was opposed to Iraq “from the beginning.” I guess he thinks he’s invisible to YouTube.
5. The Estrogen Card-Gate. Vote for me because I’m a woman! But don’t pick on me because I’m a delicate flower that can’t handle it! But I can handle it because I’m experienced! But I can’t handle it because I’m a woman! Which brings us back to why you should vote for me! But don’t pile on me!
6. “Yes/No”-Gate. “Senator Clinton, are you for a withdrawal from Iraq?” “Yes/No! I’ve moved on!” “Senator Clinton, are you for driver’s licenses for illegals?” “Yes/No! I’ve moved on!” “Senator Clinton, are you still taking money from shady characters?”
“Yes/No! I’ve moved on!” “Senator, did you know that your brothers were selling pardons out of the back door of the White House?” “Yes/No! I’ve moved on!”
7. Vin Gupta-Gate. He’s Hillary’s buddy, whose company, InfoUSA, is under investigation for many things, including selling the names of Alzheimer’s and dementia patients to sleazeballs so they could clean out their bank accounts. Meanwhile, Gupta was flying Hillary around America on his private jet.
8. Sandy Berger-Gate. Convicted liar, thief, and obstructer of justice joined Hillary’s Team as an informal foreign policy adviser (because he was such an inspired choice as their National Security Adviser.) Are those top secret documents in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
9. Playboy-Gate. A few months ago, Bill Clinton was photographed with his “bosom buddies:” Los Angeles billionaires and fellow swingers, Ron Burkle and Steve Bing. They were in the City of Love, Paris, whooping it up during a “boys’ trip.” It doesn’t get better than Bill on the loose with a refill for Viagra.
10. Bill-Gate. Melting down on Charlie Rose. Trying to out-Oprah Oprah. Schlepping through the snows of Iowa in a $6000 bespoke suit. Screaming at her that he’s giving up his “play date” with Burkle and Bing for a losing campaign. Taking over the reins like we always knew he would, destroying any pretense that she’s running “on her own.”
For all of these reasons (and myriad more!), the media want to see a third Clinton co-presidency. They can’t imagine anything more horrible than a Romney presidency. A Mormon? Boring!
The media cannot spend four years — forget about eight! — covering a dull guy. It would be like covering Dwight Eisenhower. They’ll curl up and die with a president who never has any scandal, doesn’t chase skirts, doesn’t eat meat, and raises money legally. The media need the Clintons. They need the outrageousness. Scandal sells. And nobody does scandal like the Clintons.
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