It’s only been 387 years since the first Thanksgiving. How time flies. And just consider how our forefathers, not to mention our foremothers, managed to be thankful without any of these:
32 bowl games
BCS football standings
any kind of phones
any kind of cameras
bigscreen color TV’s.
any kind of TV’s
heavy metal rock
Plymouth rock (OK, they had that one)
So here we are, at Thanksgiving 2007, and so many of us would seem to have reason to be thankful. A few examples:
GEORGE W. BUSH IS THANKFUL
— that he will have gone 8 years in the White House saying "nookya-lerr, doubling Jimmy Carter’s old record.
— that he doesn’t have to do this much longer.
HUGO CHAVEZ IS THANKFUL
— that he gets to do this forever.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH IS THANKFUL
— that he never had to worry about that second term jinx.
— that, even after jumping out of an airplane, he still doesn’t need Depends.
AL GORE IS THANKFUL
— for his Oscar, his Emmy, and his Nobie.
— For not having to take orders from Hillary any more.
NANCY PELOSI IS THANKFUL
— that she doesn’t have to keep remembering Murtha’s Day.
RUDY GUILIANI IS THANKFUL
— that we didn’t learn about Bernie Kerik AFTER he became Homeland Security Secretary.
— that his children aren’t campaigning for him.
— that his ex-wives aren’t campaigning for him.
— that he hasn’t been endorsed by any secular humanist gay anti-gun activists.
— that he still has more hair than John McCain.
JOHN MCCAIN IS THANKFUL
— that Karl Rove isn’t lurking in South Carolina again.
— that people may finally stop complaining about him.
MITT ROMNEY IS THANKFUL
— that there are still 2 sides to every issue. At least.
— that money can buy happiness. And TV ads.
— that John Edwards is prettier than he is.
FRED THOMPSON IS THANKFUL
— that he’s still a babe magnet.
— that those tv scriptwriters are free to make him sound good again as speechwriters.
— that there aren’t SAT tests for the presidency.
— that the presidency is term-limited to 8 years so he couldn’t get bored in the job.
RON PAUL IS THANKFUL
— that he probably won’t have to deal with all the hassles of privatizing the Pentagon.
TOM TANCREDO IS THANKFUL
— that people may yet learn how to pronounce his name before forgetting who he is.
— that he can still whip Duncan Hunter in the battle of 12th tier candidates.
MIKE HUCKABEE IS THANKFUL
— that, with opponents like Guiliani, McCain, Romney, and Thompson; a high-taxer can still look really conservative.
— that not many people seem to have actually said to themselves, "President Huckabee".
HILLARY CLINTON IS THANKFUL
— that she has a crowd-pleasing master like Bill out campaigning for her. Right where she can keep an eye on him.
— that a jug-earred newcomer couldn’t beat a Clinton in 1992 or 1996, so maybe that bodes ill for Barak.
— that Governor Spritzer hasn’t decided to give illegals concealed-carry handgun licenses.
— that there are still 14 sides to every issue. At least. So that she could run against Mitt Romney. Or with him. Either way.
BILL RICHARDSON IS THANKFUL
— that Hillary has a crowd-pleasing master like himself protecting her from those nasty other candidates in the presidential debates.
— that Hillary is accustomed to working with charming small-state governors named Bill.
— that he knows how to speak Spanish so well in states Hillary needs to carry.
— that he’s been by to check out the vice-presidential mansion and finds it just perfect.
BARAK OBAMA IS THANKFUL
— that nobody is calling him by his middle name.
JOHN EDWARDS IS THANKFUL
— that he’s filthy rich enough to be able to afford to campaign against poverty.
JOE BIDEN IS THANKFUL
— that, this time, nobody cares if he plaigiarizes.
— DENNIS KUCINICH IS THANKFUL
— that he’s still a babe magnet.
— that George W. ended the trend of taller candidates winning the presidency.
— and that, just in case, Democrats could still nominate Robert Reich.
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