Hillary Clinton: I'm So Glad You Asked!

America’s trust in the Clintons suffered a horrible blow last week, when it was discovered that Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff had planted the “spontaneous” questions being asked by audience members at an Iowa campaign event.

"They were canned,” Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff (a Grinnell College student attending the performance) said of the questions that Clinton took. In a remarkable coincidence, Clinton’s answers seemed quite polished — almost prepared, really.

This was truly only a coincidence, though, according to Clinton’s widely trusted campaign staff, which at first denied planting any questions. Then, under a gathering mountain of evidence, her staff admitted planting one question, but claimed that no one told Clinton there was a planted question in the crowd or with whom the fraudulent question had been planted. In other words, Clinton called on the correct person, who asked the correct question, to which Clinton gave a very specific answer, but Clinton did not inhale before giving that answer.

The staff also claimed that the only time they have ever planted a question in the audience was the one time they got caught doing so. And if people were dumb enough to believe that line, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.

In yet another remarkable coincidence, shortly after claiming they have never planted any other question, the Rev. Geoffrey Mitchell, a Democrat minister came forward to report that a Clinton staffer had tried to convince him to ask a planted question at a different dog and phony show in Iowa.

Clinton’s staff immediately denied this, then provided a parsed explanation of the denial. Sure a staffer talked to the man, they said, and they discussed the general concept of questions as a grammatical concept, but nobody was asked to ask any questions – and, besides, the staffer and the Reverend Mitchell were old buddies just talking about politics and the whole thing is therefore just a misunderstanding. Rev. Mitchell denies knowing the staffer at all, except by name. Apparently, the first question the staffer should have asked the Reverend was “You aren’t an Obama supporter, are you?”

See — it’s a misunderstanding.

But let’s get back to the original incident and marvel at how well the answer fit the question, which was planted, but totally unknown to Sen. Mrs. Bill Clinton:

Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff: “As a young person, I’m worried about the long-term effects of global warming. How does your plan combat climate change?

Clinton: "Well, you should be worried. You know, I find as I travel around Iowa that it’s usually young people that ask me about global warming." Clinton then went on to describe her plan for saving the world

Well, of course it’s usually young people that ask that question, the staff tells the old folks to ask about social security and prescription drugs.

Everything would have gone just fine with the planted question, except that Gallo-Chasanoff, apparently new to the Democrat Party’s style of politics, decided to reveal the dishonesty. "[T}hey wanted a question from a college student,” Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff later told reporters. “One of the senior staffers told me what [to ask].”

In light of these damaging revelations of Clinton’s claimed ignorance of the malfeasance of a senior staff member, and maybe some other guy who was probably just misunderstood by the long-time friend he had just met, Sen. Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton has been anxious to talk to members of the press to explain things, and I’m proud and quite shocked to say that I was granted an interview with her this weekend, shortly after I received a new 12-cylinder Audi A8L from an unknown benefactor (a remarkable coincidence). A transcript is below:

Mac Johnson: Good Day Ms. Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of saving children from the Bush administration’s savage veto of the S-CHIP health care program, which is for children, I might add, most of whom will probably die if you aren’t ratified as President immediately, just so you can talk to me, a humble and unbiased asker of spontaneous and unvetted questions.

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: Why thank you, Mac. You know, it’s funny you should bring up the S-CHIP veto like that right off the bat, because that’s something that I would like to talk about spontaneously, now what you mention it. When I think about all the little children that will suffer horribly photogenic deaths if I’m not able to get into the White House so that I can protect them, I am so overwhelmed with genuine and spontaneous emotion that I can barely flawlessly narrate my way through this 20-minute PowerPoint™ presentation that just happens to be projecting onto the screen that just happens to be behind me right now. Also, many of the children and their parents will be available for interviews after the presentation. [Presentation begins, the Boston Pops, who just happen to be eating at a nearby Dunkin Donuts, appear and improvise a moving symphony to serve as a soundtrack, Mac’s notes show an inexplicable 20-minute gap at this point]

MJ: Huh? What?

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: I said “Wake up, fat boy, I’m paying for the full hour.”

MJ: Probably not the first time you’ve used that sentence, huh?

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: What? [Janet Reno appears from behind a nearby tree holding a picture of Mac’s children at an undisclosed deportation facility]

MJ: Nothing, ma’am. Oh, wait, I just felt the need to ask a very personally important question. Your resume as an activist, that guy’s wife, and a Senator is truly overwhelming and impressive – Christ-like, really. Would you say that the White House is no place for on-the-job training for some lightweight pretty boy airhead, from Illinois perhaps?

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: Why Mac, what a relevant insight to bring up so suddenly! I hadn’t thought about that until just now, but I suppose you might be right. Now let’s watch this 5-minute video I call “His middle name is Hussein, you know.” [pops chewy liver treat into interviewer’s mouth]

MJ: Mmmm. Mmm. Smack, smack, smack. Gulp. Mmm. Oh look, there’s an envelope under my chair and… I want to ask you… “Mrs. Clinton, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?”

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: Ooh, a tough question but a fair one. Lisa, there’s no single answer. Some voters respond to my integrity, others are more impressed with my incorruptibility. (Lisa leaves the table) Still others buy my determination to lower taxes. And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it!

MJ: Wait — wasn’t this exchange from an old episode of “The Simpsons”? And you’re not supposed to say “Lisa leaves the table,” that’s a stage direction, you nit wit. Screw it, I can’t do this anymore. This is just too low even for me. You can take the car back, I don’t care. [Janet Reno appears again].

The kids watch a lot of “Dora the Explorer,” Janet. They’ll do just fine in Cuba. I have my pride, after all. Wait… no, that’s just self-importance I’m feeling. But still, I won’t play this game anymore. Here’s a real question for you: As the ultimate insider in the administration of a pathological liar, with her own long track record of dishonesty, double talk, financial misdealing and “clarifications”, why in the hell would anyone, even a hard-core but honest liberal even consider voting for you?”

Sen. Ms. Mrs. HRC: America has had enough of the politics of personal destruction from the vast right wing conspiracy that you and the Ku Klux Klan all belong to. Interview over! I didn’t shun Fox News to get this crap from you! Chris, Get me back on the Ellen show, ASAP!

And you’re paying for the depreciation on that car, by the way.