On Mexican Drugs, Bush Seeks $500 Million

President Bush this week asked Congress to approve a supplemental spending bill for $42.3 billion. The bill is intended to fund U.S. military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq. However, in a remarkable expansion of the meaning of the words “U.S. military”, “Afghanistan” and “Iraq” the bill also includes $724 million to fund U.N. Peacekeeping operations in Darfur and $500 million for Mexican police to fight Mexican drug dealers.

This last item assumes that Mexican police and Mexican drug dealers are likely to be two separate groups. But the good news is that the $500 million is just a down payment — part of a larger $1.4 billion aid package that Bush would like the Congress to pour down the Mexihole in the name of keeping America safe from all those drugs that somehow make it across our secure and orderly southern border.

If the President wishes to protect American junkies from Mexican drugs, then might I suggest that there are other ways he could spend $500 million of the taxpayers’ money that may be marginally more effective than buying helicopters and Humvees for foreign police forces that have been repeatedly implicated in smuggling drugs in their helicopters and Humvees?

For example, assuming an annual cost in salary, benefits, and training of $250,000 per agent, $500 million could pay for 2000 new border patrol officers next year. That’s 1 per mile of border. I bet they would at least stop one drug shipment, which is one more than the Mexican police will likely stop.

2000 new border patrols agents might accidentally arrest some illegal aliens though — a major no-no in the Bush administration — so there are other options that might be more palatable to Presidente Bush. Let’s see, $500 million could pay to put contract hits on the 1000 top drug smugglers in Mexico. That would be effective — and darn good TV if we can get film of it.

And if keeping Mexican drugs from being distributed inside the U.S. is the real purpose of this money, perhaps it might be better spent rounding up Mexican drug dealers distributing drugs inside the U.S. I’m guessing you could catch at least 2 or 3 with that kind of money.

Also more effective than giving the money to Mexico to spend wisely, would be piling the money up on the border one night and just setting it on fire. The light from a $500 million bonfire would surely scare away one or two illegal alien “mules” laden with “maximum strength” pseudofed.

Speaking of which, there’s a free idea to cut down on the amount of Mexican drugs entering the U.S.: just let Americans buy pseudofed again without submitting a credit check and a liver biopsy. That way, meth can be made with pride right here in the good ol’ USA, just like it used to be! This would add valuable dollars to our economy, restore some small portion of America’s waning manufacturing capacity, and encourage kids to pay attention in chemistry class. Plus I won’t feel like a junkie every time I have the sniffles and I’ll be able to get the old formula of Nyquil again — you know, the one that actually worked, or at least knocked me flat unconscious for so long that I believed it must have worked.

Now on to Darfur. Sending the U.N. $724 million for a peacekeeping force that has not kept the peace is just silly. Actually, sending the U.N. anything is just silly. So if our goal is to stop Islamists from slaughtering Christian and Pagan civilians in Darfur, let’s use that money to buy three million decent rifles and pass them out to every Christian and Pagan in Darfur. Then the U.N. Nothingdoing force can go home and do nothing and the next time the Janjaweed Islamist militia cavalry comes by for some peaceful slaughter of infidels, the poor little Darfuris can bust a cap in somebody’s ass and/or camel — or even their horse. (The Janjaweed are a diverse group when it comes to transport.)

That is how the peace is traditionally kept. And that would probably do more to fight Mexican drugs than a giant giveaway to Mexico will do too.