The Anti-War Game Plan: I Win or You Cheated

Anyone who’s ever played a game with a small child should recognize the Democrat Party’s strategy on politicizing the War on Terror.  When things go poorly for their opponent, they yell “You Lose!”  Whereas when things go well for their opponent, they yell “No Fair! You Cheated!”

Unfortunately for America, the Dems consider their real “opponent” to be any American who wants to win the War, rather than, say, Al Qaeda and other Islamist murder cults. 

Regardless of who it is used against though, the “if you’re not losing you must be cheating” strategy is foolproof and works for any occasion.

Consider the first few months of the Iraq War.  Anti-war (or should I say “Anti-Victory”) forces promised a D-Day style bloodbath, and then hysterically touted every bathroom break on the way to Baghdad as the biggest quagmire since the Somme.  “Ha, ha — you lose!” 

However, when U.S. forces rolled over Saddam’s regular army in a few weeks, the prospect of quagmire was replaced by an obsession with collateral damage and speculation that America had become a technologically omnipotent hyperpower that could, without risk or bravery, drop bombs from space on helpless villagers below.  War was a mere video game for our side, fraught with the moral conundrums of absolute power.  “No Fair!”

Fortunately for Dems, the war then took a turn for the worse and America’s soldiers were no longer gutless gamers, they were sacrificial victims led to slaughter in a hopeless insurgency.  “You lose!”

Likewise, September 11 was an unforgivable intelligence failure (and of course had nothing to do with the President before Bush). “You lose!”  But the five years of thwarted attacks and security that have followed September 11 have been achieved only at an unacceptable cost in civil liberties.  NSA Eavesdropping and Gitmo?  “No fair!”

When U.S. allies in Iraq are assassinated by our enemies, it’s just more proof of how hopeless the entire cause is.  “You lose!”  But when private security contractor Blackwater can boast of never having lost any VIP under their protection, it’s only because they’re trigger-happy psychopaths mowing down the paper boy and milkman each morning in the Green Zone.  “No fair!”

Iraqis can’t get enough electricity and basic services?  “You lose!”  But when American troops repair the grid and the guard the garbage trucks that’s a reckless waste of American blood in the cause of “Nation Building.”  “No fair!  (Unless it’s occurring in Bosnia, Kosovo, Haiti or, God Forbid, Darfur)

Too few troops lead to disorder, looting and violence?  “You lose!”  But when a troop surge restores order all you hear is “No fair!  The troops should be withdrawn!”

Instability in the Middle East causing high oil prices?  “You lose!”  But when ways to increase Iraqi oil production are studied, “No fair!  No war for oil!”

Face to face fighting exposing U.S. forces to higher casualties?  “You lose!  Bring the troops home now!”  But should an air to ground bombing take out a terrorist without any ground combat whatsoever, the cry changes to “No fair!  His aunt Bethyl was caught in the blast!”  Stop bombing and start using precision shooting by snipers?  “No fair! Snipers are ‘baiting’ Iraqis into looking like targets!”

Iraqis not carrying their fair share of the security duties?  “You lose!”  But when Iraqi forces take over security in more areas?  “No fair!  Sectarian death squads!  Eeek!”

Afghan opium production skyrockets?  “You lose!  At least the Taliban stopped the heroin trade.”  Coalition forces fight opium cultivation?  “No fair!  We’re losing the hearts and minds of farmers who have no choice but to grow opium!”

The tours of regular forces and reservists extended to alleviate manpower shortages?  “You lose!  The Army is at the breaking point!”  Regular forces and reservists relieved by security firms and support contractors?  “No fair Mercenaries and the Wild West are on the loose!”

Using this simple two-step method, anything and everything can be criticized without the critic ever having to commit to a single idea or stance.  And it works for any situation.

Iran building nukes?  “You lose!”  Using sanctions against Iran?  “No fair!  Sanctions hurt kids!”  Well how about a military strike then? “No fair!  No war for oil!”  Let the Europeans deal with it?  “No fair!  America must provide leadership!”  Well then, let’s go it alone?  “No fair!  That’s unilateralism!”

No matter what the result or method, you can be confident it will be declared wrong by the Dems.  If you actually do anything, you’re Dem’d if you do and Dem’d if you don’t.