Ban Ki Moon: Super Genius

Clearly, Global Warming is a huge break for the Jews. That’s because now nuts in need of a common thread to tie together diverse misfortunes can blame Global Warming for all the world’s problems instead of the Elders of Zion!

Global Warming made the winter too warm and caused increased snowfall. It made the summer way too hot in one state and much too cool in another. Global Warming causes both storms and stagnant air. It causes desertification and flooding. It causes increased malaria while wiping out wetlands. And also it controls the banking system. Basically if there’s weather, it’s a horrible never-before-seen consequence of Global Warming.
This week, UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon, anxious to show the world that a UN Head can be wacky instead of just corrupt, wrote an editorial for the Washington Post in which he revealed that the genocide in Darfur is “in fact” actually a consequence of Global Warming.

In Darfur, radical Muslim militias have taken to slaughtering Christian and Pagan farmers for fun and profit. Since radical Muslims elsewhere in the world are generally a peaceful lot, Ban Ki Moon has wisely seen that it must be the weather setting them off. Allah Akbar, it’s hot! Let’s kill the infidels.

No really, the man basically said this. He also said that before Global Warming caused a long-term drought in Sudan, the black Christian farmers and the Arab Muslim herders lived in a sort of multicultural slumber party of mutual understanding and admiration. Then Global Warming happened and the farmers put up fences and triggered their own genocide at the hands of the once neighborly camel herders (and you thought good fences made good neighbors). So now I understand that the trouble in Darfur is really something of a cross between “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Open Range,” and “The Weather Channel.” Ban Ki Moon is one slick explicator!

Doubtless, though, the best statement made by Mr. Moon was that the conflict began when (after the drought), “For the first time in memory, there was no longer enough food and water for all.” Yes, southern Sudan, which borders Ethiopia, had never known hunger before 2003. Who knew Eden was so close to Uganda?

Moon’s batty claim is not an isolated incident, though. It is now possible, given the credence given any “evidence” of the coming Global Warmageddon, to link nearly any newsworthy occurrence to Global Warming without fear of contradiction (unless you fear contradiction by me).

As I said in the introduction, Global Warming is routinely blamed for unusually warm winters, such as the one that just occurred in Europe. However, the unusually cold and snowy winter the year before was also blamed on Global Warming, which some postulated had disrupted the Gulf Stream and would thus trigger an Ice Age in Europe.
Global Warming could cause an Ice Age. Is it hot in here or is it just the glare from all this ice?

When Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (who became an expert on climate when ordered to serve 1500 hours of community service as part of a plea-bargained heroin-possession charge) famously declared that it was “proof” of Global Warming. The following year’s mild hurricane season didn’t seem to prove anything, however. Not only is the bar for proof of Global Warming quite low, the traffic over it seems to go only one way.

Given such a standard of proof, nearly anything can be linked to Global Warming. A widely reported news piece from a few month’s ago told the story of an intrepid group of activists that went to the arctic to find proof of Global Warming — and what do you know, they found it! What was this proof? They saw some baby seals sitting on the ice without their mother’s around. So obviously… Global Warming had so stressed the mothers that they abandoned their pups to die — and just before the loud boat full of activists arrived to document their absence. What a coincidence! Come to think of it, I saw a bunch of kids at the Mall the other day and their mothers were nowhere to be found. I suspect Global Warming drove the stressed Mothers away, possibly to the cooler climate of Bed, Bath and Beyond.

When sea otters began disappearing off the coast of Alaska, many suspected it could be due to… man-made Global Warming. Then a scientist documented that a local pod of killer whales had learned to eat the little otters like so many furry beer nuts, so immediately people knew that… Global Warming must have driven the killer whales to eating tiny otters.

Now the same sort of Global-Warming-made-the-whales-killers logic is being applied to the unpleasant actions of human beings. In addition to Darfur, Somalia, the Ivory Coast and Burkina Faso have all been cited as Global Warming related conflicts – Global Warring, I suppose. Refugees from impoverished countries can now blame their problems on your SUV, according to many experts who predict grand migrations as the poor flee the Warmageddon caused by the rich.

If it’s bad and recent, it’s Global Warming. I mean, if warming can make Islamists violent and even cause ice ages, then I think it’s pretty clear that it can do anything. I’m sure it killed the big birch tree in my yard. Birches are cold-loving trees, you see, and I’m expecting a palm to sprout up under the old dead birch any day now. Also, Global Warming has made me gain weight. Global temperatures are 0.5 degrees Celsius higher than in the early 1990s and I’m a good 20 pounds heavier since then. Coincidence? What are you –some sort of Global Warming Denier?

Of course, there is one way that Global Warming really could cause war. If Western intellectuals succeed in convincing the world’s desperate and poor that bad weather is no longer an act of God, but is instead the result of callous pollution by the US and other developed nations, then every typhoon, drought, flood, fire, famine, plague and pestilence can become a call to arms. Sometimes truth doesn’t matter. It only matters what people believe. Ban Ki Moon would have people believe that even for the sun and the rain, there is someone to blame.