Scene: White House Oval Office, President receiving advisors Thursday evening.
Unknown aide enters.
Aide: Mr. President, Your Illegal immigration Bill was just defeated in the Senate a few minutes ago.
George W. Bush (GWB): It is not an amnesty!
Aide: I didn’t say it was, Sir. But it was killed in a cloture vote by a fairly large margin.
Aide: Excuse me, Sir?
GWB: Dang it, we must leave no illegal alien behind. Call the President of Mexico and apologize for this. Who’s responsible for this legislative hate crime?
Aide: Apparently the American people are, Sir. Senators report being overwhelmed by calls from their constituents — all livid over the idea of rewarding foreign criminals sneaking into America to take jobs.
GWB: American people, huh? Well, let’s get a different people into this country and see if we can work this thing out. How many people are still left in Mexico?
GWB: MEXICANS, son, comprende? Get ‘em in here and tell ‘em I’m their amigo and let’s settle this thing democratically. How many new voters do I need to amne… uh, I mean, enfranchise?
Aide: To do what?
GWB: Replace these people calling my Senators. Let’s set up some call banks in espanol and get this thing done.
Aide: You want to replace the American people, Sir?
GWB: Too much trouble. Always demanding something. I say, let’s get a more grateful people in here that knows how to obey a Jefe in Chief, if you know what I mean. What do you say, Harriet?
Harriet Miers: I say replace the whole lot, Sir.
GWB: Good man. What sort of margin do we need to make up?
Aide: Maybe a hundred million, Sir. The bill was very unpopular.
GWB: Holy Chihuahua, Son! Get me the Presidente of Brazil on the phone. We’re gonna need mucho more good-hearted people to come in here illegally, work hard and play by the rules. Also, call up some of them little countries between Mexico and that bastard Chavez’s Venezuela.
Aide: Central America, Sir?
GWB: Good idea! Call them too, while you’re at it. Remind ‘em about CAFTA. They owe me.
Aide: Sir, with all due respect, I don’t think you can just replace the American people as part of some political strategy.
GWB: Nonsense, boy! The Brain here’s got it all worked out. Tell him, Genius!
Karl Rove: White people are yesterday’s news, son. They don’t have kids anymore and they don’t vote in a bloc. Tomorrow is all about the Hispanic vote. It’s a plan I call “Tomorrow’s Manana,” and it’s working like a charm. Did you know that Dubya here got over 40% of the Hispanic vote in one of his elections? Now imagine if the Hispanic population were doubled! That’s over 40% of almost twice as many people!
Aide: Wouldn’t you need to get more than 50% of a group to benefit from its doubling?
Karl Rove: We may have us a bigot, here, Dubya.
Aide: What the…? Bigot? Sir?
Harriet Miers: You just don’t want to see a woman on the Supreme Court, do you?
Senator Bob Menendez arrives.
Menendez: You would have killed Bob Hope, wouldn’t you? We’re all children of immigrants. Why do you hate immigrants so much?
Aide: Bob Hope? He was an illegal alien?
Menendez: No, son, his parents and he were legal immigrants. But what’s the difference?You just can’t wait to deport Bob Hope after all he’s done for this country and its military.
Aide: Bob Hope is dead.
Menendez: He died of a broken heart!
Jesse Jackson inexplicably appears from nowhere.
Jackson: Keep Hope Alive!
Menendez: His heart just broke waiting for this immigration bill to set his people free.
Jackson: Keep Hope Alive!
Menendez: You killed Bob Hope, you anti-immigrant bastard!
Aide: That’s ludicrous. Why are you bringing up dead legal immigrants? The polls clearly say that this issue is about illegal aliens sneaking into the country.
GWB: Now you badmouth the Poles, son? Polacks are smart, good-hearted people that helped make this country strong and now you want to deport the Poles too?
Aide: POLLS; NOT POLES! Have you all lost your minds?
Karl Rove: The Poles aren’t increasing in number.
GWB: Why do you hate Poles, son? You been listening to Rush Limbaugh?
Aide: I am Polish! What are you talking about?
Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, springs out from behind a potted plant and tackles the aide.
Chertoff: Quick, he’s admitted he’s not an Arab, we can search him now without being accused of racial profiling! Has this bag been in your possession since you packed it?
Are you carrying more than three ounces of liquids on your person? YOU CAN’T TAKE NAIL CLIPPERS ON A PLANE, YOU MANIAC!
Aide: Get off me, you freak! Hey, get that wand out of my crotch! OW!
Chertoff: He’s resisting security, Sir!
Enter John McCain.
McCain: #&%* You! You’re no better than Tom Tancredo. This is one even I’d send to Guantanamo! This debate is all a trick to hurt me in South Carolina!
GWB: (covers ears, begins chanting NANANANANANANA!): We don’t use that word here, John!
McCain: You mean, #&%*?
GWB: NO! “Tancredo”
Rove: Don’t darken my door! Wants to build a wall against manana!
GWB: It is not an amnesty!
Rove: No, I said “MANANA.”
GWB: Didn’t I actually sign some law promising to build a wall on the border?
Rove: Sure, but we never funded it. It was just a show to calm down the idiots back home. There is no “wall” in “manana.”
Aide (muffled sounding, struggling with Chertoff and McCain): Maybe that’s why polls show the people don’t trust you to secure the border…ugh… after you get your… giant amnesty!
GWB: NOT AN AMNESTY!
Rove: He’s obsessed with Poles!
McCain: Hitler was obsessed with the Poles. Pole-ophobia!
GWB: The twins went to that — Pole-apalooza, I think it was. You know, why don’t we go ahead and build a small part of that wall. After I’m done with the immigration debate, I think I might like to go down to the border and bang my head against that wall for a while. Speaking of which, let’s bring up the not-an-amnesty bill again right away.
Jackson: KEEP HOPE ALIVE!
GWB: You see, a good decider knows when people deserve a little legal break and he doesn’t let political pressure stop him from doing what’s right.
President’s Secretary: Sir, Scooter Libby is on line one.
GWB: Put him on hold — maybe till December of 2008! Hee hehe.
GWB: Now let’s repackage this fruitcake with a big fake enforcement bow on top. Tell the rubes we’ll never stop illegal border crossings if we don’t give gobs of stuff to everyone crossing illegally. Make some Kool-Aid, Karl! We’re having a closed door meeting with some naughty Senators!