According to the global left, the evidence is in: The earth is warming, and it’s all your fault. Don’t blame the sun. The giant ball of fiery gas responsible for all climate change over the past few million years isn’t the problem. It’s you. In particular, it’s you Americans, you big-spending, high-on-the-hog, corporation-supporting, First World gluttons with your shiny gas-guzzling sports cars and central heating.
Well, global left, your words have finally hit home. I finally realized that correlation does equal causation after all. As one of the pig-Americans you so despise, I pledge to do my utmost to mitigate the threat of global warming.
And so, without further ado, I henceforth dedicate myself to achieving the following goals to aid Mother Earth:
— EAT COWS. Turns out, cows are the climate’s worst enemy. Cows, it seems, are culpable for 18 percent of greenhouse gases. Their cud-chewing, flatulence and burping create giant clouds of methane. All this time, we thought the cattle were our mammalian friends. But, fools that we are, the cows outsmarted us. While we milked them, they pursued their long-term strategy of world domination.
So the question becomes: What can we do to fight the global onslaught of the bovine herds? Some have suggested changing their diet to prevent indigestion — the so-called “Pepto Bismol Strategy.” Others have proposed recycling cow manure, with sloganeers already hard at work: “Cow Poop — The Crappier Hemp.” Still others have recommended eating less meat, thereby decreasing the production of baby cows — “Abortion: It’s Not Just For People Anymore.”
I say this looming threat must be handled — and handled immediately. I believe Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi when she says, “Now is time to act; the future of our country, indeed our entire planet, is at stake.” I stand with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid when he explains, “We cannot afford to defer action.”
It’s the cows or us, people. If we eat them faster than they can reproduce, we can sleep easy at night. Hamburgers are the answer. Steaks. Barbecue ribs. Vegetarians, dissent here isn’t patriotism — it’s global suicide.
So let’s roll. Or rather, let’s put them on a roll.
— BUY A GAS-GUZZLING 2007 FORD MUSTANG GT CONVERTIBLE. I can’t afford a private jet like Al Gore, Arianna Huffington or Laurie David, so I’ll have to settle for a Windveil Blue GT — with leather interior, to make sure I pick off a couple of cows.
First off, buying a GT will drive up the price of gas-guzzling sports cars. If fewer people can afford gas-guzzlers, I’m saving the planet.
Second, my new GT won’t use ethanol. That’s a benefit in and of itself. Manufacturing ethanol requires more pollution than manufacturing gasoline. As John Stossel reports, “The standard mixture of 90 percent ethanol and 10 percent gasoline pollutes worse than gasoline.”
Third, the global left insists we’re running out of oil. The more oil I use, the less oil there is for others — the price will rise. If the price of oil rises, those hybrid vehicles will look less like junk and more like economically feasible alternatives. Sure, I’ll have to spend more money on gas, but hey, isn’t that what environmental sacrifice is all about?
At least I won’t have to drive a hideous Prius.
— CONVINCE FELLOW GLOBAL WARMING CRUSADERS TO STOP BREATHING. Al Gore says, “[W]e should start by immediately freezing CO2 emissions and then beginning sharp reductions.” I concur. If carbon dioxide emissions are the problem, persuading global warming fanatics to immediately stop exhaling may be the solution.
I’d buy a carbon offset for that.