Letters From School

It’s amazing what you can find in online archives. These never-before-released letters from teachers to parents say a lot about the students and who they grew up to be.

To the parents of Harry Reid,

We’re afraid we must ban Harry from all school sporting events. Every time one of our teams falls behind, he starts yelling, “It’s over! The game is lost!” It really is harming the morale of our players. I hope we can count on your cooperation.

To the parents of Alex Rodriguez,

Alex is having an absolutely amazing year. He has an “A” average, perfect attendance, and is unfailingly polite to his teachers and his fellow students. He excels at all his extra-curricular activities as well. Therefore, it’s difficult to explain why none of us here at the school can stand him. We hope you’ll consider moving him to another school next semester.

To the parents of Katie Couric,

Katie is back to normal following her suspension. Again, we apologize, but passing off an essay written by someone else as your own is a serious offense. You should also be aware that we continue to measure and compare the test scores of the three classes in her grade, and, unfortunately, her numbers are down.

To the parents of Fred Thompson,

Is little Freddie running for class president or not? We must have an answer soon.

To the parents of Rosie O’Donnell,

Your daughter continues to disrupt our class with her shouting and bullying of the other kids. (And, by the way, we don’t appreciate her continued insistence that school officials purposely started that fire in the waste basket last week.) I’m told Rosie dreams of having a show business career one day. You should explain to her that she’ll never succeed if she continues to annoy those around her.

To the parents of Bill Clinton,

As Bill approaches his graduation from grammar school, he seems to be unduly concerned about how classes in the future will think of him. I’ve tried explaining that his fixation on a “legacy” is unhealthy for a 13-year-old. I’ll talk about it again with him when he takes me to dinner tonight.

To the parents of John Edwards,

Sadly, we have no choice but to remove John from the school’s baseball team. His play is satisfactory, but his refusal to wear a cap or helmet gives us no choice.

To the parents of Pat Sajak,

Your son continues to demonstrate outstanding abilities in all his classes. He will no doubt be hugely successful in whatever literary or scholarly pursuits he chooses. You should be very proud to have a future man of letters in your family.

To the parents of George W. Bush,

I’d like to repeat our thanks for young George’s idea of “throwing out” the company that was responsible for running our school cafeteria. Admitedly, they were doing a terrible job, but since he and his fellow students have taken over, it’s become absolutely chaotic. We’ll give him until the end of the semester to try to get things straightened out.