Not Sold Yet

Before anyone gets too excited and starts counting the number of stories HUMAN EVENTS publishes for or against a GOP presidential candidate we’d like to make one thing clear: we’re not sold on anyone yet.

It’s like shopping for a car. We’re in the lot and could begin test-driving a few, but none of them seems to fit our bill. We’re looking for that standout, reliably conservative, SUV candidate you could pack the whole family into and travel abroad in in safety and comfort.

Election Day is 627 days away and there’s lots of time to conduct our own research and let the salesmen pitch us on what’s available

For starters, there’s the Big Three: Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and Mitt Romney.

What do you do with Giuliani? Everyone wants to like him. He’s like a tough Italian roadster, an Alpha Romeo Guilia, if you will. He gets the job done, but is a little too “fancy,” if you know what I mean.

Giuliani is pro-gay and pro-choice. Not practical at all for cruising into the primary. His support for “strict constructionist judges” is encouraging, but isn’t enough fuel to drive the campaign out of New York.

Then, there’s the old Jeep Wrangler, retrofitted for ethanol consumption mind you, barreling out of the garage and looking ready to blow a gasket. It’s Sen. John McCain, whose stamina is almost as legendary as his mercurial temper. By hook or by crook that rust bucket is going to make it cross-country. But, McCain could bottom out with the conservatives who fume at the mere mention of the maverick’s name because of his opposition to the Bush tax cuts, the “McKennedy” amnesty bill and his work to “reform” the campaign finance system.

On the rotating pedestal out front is the gleamy Gov. Mitt Romney — a slick, Cadillac Escalade SUV with tinted windows. The kind that Presidents ride around in. It’s Romney’s favorite ride and helps him look the part. But, if we started leaning towards monster trucks there’s no doubt Romney’s pit crew would be out quick-changing the tires and working a few dents into their outfit faster than you can say “Roe v. Wade.”

The next tier candidate is on order. Newt Gingrich is expected to become available for President sometime late 2007 to early 2008. His camp is working on the old model Taurus, America’s best-selling car between 1992 and 1996, to see if it can be tweaked to meet the new CAFE standards engineered by McCain. And, they’re packing it with so many ideas, it’s not clear how all the parts will come together quite right.

We’ve peeked into the back of the lot, too. So far, there’s slow-starting light Ford F-150, that recently replaced the larger F-350 on the South end (the newly-slimmed down and late-entrant Gov. Mike Huckabee), a Hummer (big defense hawk Duncan Hunter) and a Jimmy that’s been converted into a Sudanese church van (the compassionate Sen. Sam Brownback). If all else fails, there’s a horse on loan from the Border Agents by the name of Tom Tancredo.

No doubt conservatives will be standing in the parking lot debating the pros and cons of each choice a long time. Surely, a large part of the final decision will be based on how our pick will run against the Hillary-hearse he’ll likely be pitted against.