I Endorse Al Franken

Great news, conservatives! Fresh from piloting Air America into a full-throttle collision into the ratings cellar floor, Al Franken is ready to become Minnesota’s next U.S. senator.

Finally! A liberal who doesn’t wear the mask the rest of the Washington Democrats hide behind. Franken epitomizes the hard-working wing of his base inspired by the likes of Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan and most recently, anti-Catholic hyperblogger Amanda Marcotte.

At last, we have Al “Republican are shameless d**ks” Franken — a Democrat who won’t goosestep to Rahm Emanuel’s finer talking points or fancy slogans.

As Minnesota’s more famous son, Hubert Horatio Humphrey, might have said, “We’re pleased as punch that Al is running for senate.”

HUMAN EVENTS is thrilled to be among the first to endorse him for the Democrat nomination to become the next U.S. senator from Minnesota. We do so with malice aforethought out of the sheer pleasure we’d get out of watching Hillary Clinton squirm out of campaign appearances with him. And we will be the first to celebrate his loss. We cannot imagine the good people of Minnesota inflicting this classless bully on the rest of us.

After all, this is the man who said this of his worthy opponent: “Minnesota Republican Norman Coleman, is one of the administration’s leading butt boys.”

What elegance, what wit! We can’t wait for his campaign.

Think about it: Franken is absolutely incapable of containing his revulsion for anyone with an "R" behind their name. Unlike the Hillary Clintons and Harry Reids of the party who manage to fake enough niceties to keep the swing voters around, Franken doesn’t have a chance pretending all the horrible things he said about half the country were just “jokes.”

Would someone please line Franken up to do a variety show Republican National Convention in St. Paul? Al Franken on camera for 30 seconds would be the best way to remind the country just how entertaining liberal humor can be.

But, Franken’s stand-up routine is exactly “Minnesota nice.”

Maybe he’ll ease his voters over to his way of seeing things with his “Midwest Values.” This is the name of his political action committee. Specifically, Franken’s Midwest Values are gay marriage, universal health care, abortion rights and tax cut repeals.

Not that he likes abortion so much. The Truth on page 124 is, “Nobody likes getting an abortion. Except, perhaps, rape victims.”

Another side-splitter!

Such buffoonery doesn’t always come easy to Mr. Franken, though. “Making jokes about Terri Schiavo is one of the hardest thing I have to do as a humorist,” he lamented on page 159.

His Midwest Values are funded by down rollicking home gals and good ol’ boys like Barbara Streisand, Phil Donahue and Aaron Sorkin.

In fact, Midwest Values gave $1,000 to his buddy and avowed socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (I.-Vt.) last election cycle. Outside of his PAC, Franken gave his pal John Kerry $2,000 for his 2004 presidential race. He also gave Kerry almost two whole chapters in The Truth explaining how the Swift Boat Veterans hosed the Massachusetts senator by “slinging their feces at Kerry like gorillas for months.”

The two are so in-sync that Franken took John Kerry’s sage advice to go to college and avoid the military before he even gave it last fall. Franken wrote, “During Vietnam, I was in college, enjoying my student deferment. The government wisely felt that in my case, military service was less important than completing my studies to prepare me for my chosen career: comedian.”

Since they both seem to value education over military service, if Al makes it to the Senate maybe he can rework Johnny’s one-liner about below-average students getting “stuck in Iraq” to be a little less “botchy.”

Not that Al deserves to be elected. According to his own statements, his candidacy is a sign of how pathetic American politics is. In a February 1999 interview he said “I’d be a terrible office holder.” Later that month he said “If I put myself on the ballot and even 50 people voted for me it’d be a travesty.” In that, if nothing else, we agree with Mr. Franken wholeheartedly.