A Left-Wing Christmas Carol

Twenty years ago, I doubt anyone would believe that in the year 2006, we would have Christmas carols, nativity scenes, and Santa Claus himself banned from the public square. Yet across the country this is happening. The city of Chicago has banned the showing of clips from the movie “The Nativity;” Santa has been deemed too religious for a school fundraiser in Warwick, N.Y.; a Wisconsin high school has informed student leaders that any religious symbols, decorating, or wording associated with Christmas are prohibited; and an Ohio public school has instructed teachers to refrain from saying “Merry Christmas.”

Buy Now
Save 19%

How did we ski down this Orwellian slippery slope so quickly? And, more importantly, with the Democrats in control of Congress, where are we headed?

Ponder waking up early Christmas morning in 2020. As your children are still sleeping with visions of sugarless plumbs dancing in their heads, you walk outside to grab the New York Times, the state newspaper. You see your neighbor retrieving his paper and want to secretly wish him “Merry Christmas,” but refrain from doing so because “Merry Christmas” has now been categorized as “hate speech.” And you dreadfully recall getting thrown out of a restaurant three weeks ago for saying “bless you” when the guy at the next table sneezed.

As you trudge back into the house, your wife greets you with a kiss and a steaming cup of Venezuelan coffee, graciously donated to Americans by Nobel Peace Prize Winner, Hugo Chavez. The kids come rushing out of their rooms to see what has been left by Mother Earth. You sadly smile and reminisce of the days of Santa Claus. According to a joint campaign run by al CNN and the New York Times, Santa was forced to retire because the North Pole had been shut down due to global warming. Public schools across the country instituted re-education programs to introduce “Mother Earth” to the confused children.

You try to accept Mother Earth for the sake of your kids, yet it is difficult to get past the bare-bellied woman who arrives in a Yugo and leaves organic vegetables, recycling bins and Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” for the tots. Oh well, the McGyver in you creatively crafted some of those veggies into some interesting toys.

As the kids gather underneath the sculpture, you kick yourself for not getting a black market Christmas tree in time. The government mandated sculpture isn’t too bad, you convince yourself. The social program “ornaments” aren’t too bad, you guess. You dread the next moment as your kids have finally finished opening a Mr. Broccoli and a pPod. With the new Winter Tax, your children must give half of their gifts from Mother Earth to the government.

After a little coaxing, and a piece of black market chocolate secured by your wife, your kids split their gifts and get ready for church. You, your wife and kids squeeze into your government mandated hybrid compact car and head to church while listening to the Spanish version of “We Are the World”, one of the few Winter Solstice songs permitted by new FCC rules for the public airways.

En route to church, you are stuck behind the Winter Solstice Parade you and your wife decided to skip this year, and hope your kids don’t see Mother Earth belly dancing atop a Yugo tossing condoms to children. As the parade turns the corner, you head straight to the strip mall where your church is located. You long for that beautiful cathedral that was torn down after the Sensitivity Act was passed, but you feel a sense of relief that in the small church located next to the Kwicki Mart, you will be at peace.

For thirty government-mandated minutes you and your family are allowed to celebrate Christmas in that cross-less, sound-proof, and packed little room inside the strip mall. You then squeeze back into the compact and head home listening to “Violent Night” the Jihad version that was ruled by the 9th Circuit as acceptable.

Violent Night, Lonely Night
Allah’s Calm, Allah’s Right
Round up 70 virgins of Nile
After I blow myself up in a while
Keep the liberals PC
Keep the liberals PC

Your wife has fixed a beautiful vegetarian dinner. You ache for beef tenderloin, but the Endangered Species Food Act has forced you to become vegetarian. After dinner, your family decides to join the neighborhood Winter Solstice caroling which was strongly encouraged by the city council. You opted out last year and were pegged as a racist, bigot and xenophobe. With teeth clenched, you hope no one realizes you are not really singing “The Little Hummer Boy,” a song about a young man’s crusade to rid the world of SUV’s.

Come they told me, pa rum pump pump pump
A brand new SUV, pa rum pump pump pump
Our finest gasoline, pa rum pump pump pump
Today I abhor the thing, pa rum pump pump pump
Rum pump pump pump

After caroling, your family quietly walks home for some salt-free popcorn and a few Winter Solstice shows remade from those old traditional Christmas classics you once loved. After watching the new “Miracle on 34th Street,” (Virginia learns there is an Establishment Clause!), you settle in for “It’s a Secular Life,” where Clarence (played by George Clooney), an ACLU lawyer, explains to George that Halliburton is the reason for losing his bank and then swiftly directs him to the welfare office. You decide to pass on “A Restless Story,” where Ralphie wants a Barbie to get in touch with his feminine side (Red Rider BB guns, and all guns, are banned after all).

After you tuck your kids in bed and kiss your wife goodnight, you lie awake and wonder, how did we come to this?

Oh well, at least you have Spring Equinox to look forward to.


View All