Whiskey Ring. Teapot-Dome. Watergate. Iran-Contra. Jack Abramoff.
Gas price fluctuations. North Korean nuclear weapons testing.
What do all of these have in common? They’re all Republican conspiracies—the last two the most recent notches on the belt of shadowiness the GOP proudly wears.
Let me hit you with the truth.
It’s a Thief’s Market
After Hurricanes Katrina and Rita hit the gulf coast last year, and OPEC (Organization of the Persecuted Environmentally Conscious) began its shifty-eyed supply cuts, gas prices soared accordingly. Or, at least, that’s what we’ve been made to believe.
Indeed, why would the Republicans increase gas prices for their oily-skinned cronies? As the pump-payments went up, President Bush’s poll numbers went invariably down. This was just an unfortunate happenstance that the GOP could do nothing about…
Anyone who buys into that conventional wisdom has clearly underestimated the diabolical scheming power of the Grand Ol’ Pickpockets. Want proof? Just look at what they’ve done so far:
1. They’ve cut taxes for the rich while also cutting taxes for the middle-class and poor. Misdirection for the win!
2. They’ve beefed up national security and fought two wars without significantly infringing upon our civil rights (a la Lincoln and FDR). So, when they do get taken away, we’ll be caught off-guard.
3. My God, they’ve tried to ban human cloning so that if I want to go gay for myself, I can’t! What happened to privacy rights?
Look, when Bush had some political capital to spend, prices went up, and Exxon got the kickback. Then, Bush’s poll numbers went down, and gas prices plummeted to help them stabilize.
Come on, people, use your minds.
A Real ‘Page-Turner’
Republicans haven’t stopped there, though.
With Mark Foley all over the front “pages,” ruining Republican electoral prospects, the GOP has embarked on a diplomatic mission to convince Kim Jong Il and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) to test low-grade nuclear weapons in order to wipe the election slate clean, get them back on track and make security the issue of the 2006 campaign.
Just as the Republicans forced the oil companies to lower gas prices right before the election to neutralize that issue, so have then leaned on Kim to push the button in the pursuit of political ex-Foley-ation.
For proof, look no further than the test itself—it has Republican footprints all over it.
In the official statement released by the North Korean government following the test of their nuclear device, the Communist nation said that the test would “contribute to defending the peace and stability on the Korean peninsula and in the area around it.”
Hmm … let’s see: Defending peace is the title of several chapters from the GOP electoral playbook. Is it merely a coincidence that both Kim Jong Il and George Bush try to throw around “peace” in order to reap political profit? Fat chance.
The correlation is stunning and damning. Not only is it clear that the GOP is telling the North Koreans what do say, but it is becoming increasingly hard to pretend that Republicans didn’t electronically reproduce Ronald Reagan’s fortitude/peace-loving agenda and implant it into an android—an entity now know as Kim Jong Il, or Kim Il Sung 2—KILS II for short.
In a likely spurious statement made exclusively to HUMAN EVENTS, a high-level Republican insider revealed the truth and debunked the myth that the U.S. doesn’t talk directly to Kim. “Foley was blowing up like a foil-covered potato in a microwave,” said the source. “What’s the only thing worse than microwave fires? Nuclear explosions, duh,” said the insider. “So, naturally, we called up Kim, and he was more than happy to comply.”
“You’re awfully strident in your assertions,” I can hear you thinking. Perhaps, but I’m also 100% Pure-Squeezed Truth (not from concentrate). The deliberations I’ve gone through to come to these horrifying conclusions have gone on for minutes at a time. I’m not alone in this, either. I’ve got Captain Jack Cafferty of CNN backing me up on the gas price cover-up (he mentioned the possibility on The Situation Room), and a fictional Republican source on the Foley-Gate fiasco.
If you don’t believe me, fine. We can talk about this some other time.
I’m gonna go process the milk out of my cheese.