The Democrat Plan for Iraq

We are coming to the climax of the mid-term campaign silly season, when so much is at stake for the two major political parties and for the future of the nation. As we approach the election, it has become obvious that there is a fundamental lack of understanding about the exact nature of the Democrat plan for the central front in the war against Islamo-Fascism, otherwise known in the media and in the halls of Congress as “the war in Iraq.”

Many Democrats seem to believe that the United States of America is an evil, imperialist power bent on forcing liberty, democracy, prosperity and peace down the throats of a people previously content with tyranny, ignorance, poverty and violence. As commander-in-chief of the American armed forces, this thinking goes, George W. Bush illegally invaded a sovereign nation, overthrew its government and its leader, Saddam Hussein (a hero who was duly elected by his people with an amazing 100 percent of the vote). In place of this stable system of government, which Saddam had so lovingly nurtured for so many years, Bush callously coerced the Iraqi people into participating in a free election to determine their own destiny.

In the loony-tunes world of George Soros and Howard Dean, the current financial and ideological powers behind the Democratic Party, this kind of foreign policy is completely unacceptable.

Always willing to do my part to clear up any confusion about liberal motives and intentions, I offer the following four-step plan, based on my keen observation of the political scene, as a guide to the policies Democrats would like to pursue in Iraq:

Step One

The Iraqi court now trying Saddam should be disbanded. Saddam should be cleared of all charges, released from prison with our apologies and restored to his rightful role as the unanimously elected leader of Iraq. Anything he may have done in the quarter-century prior to his humiliating capture and incarceration at the hands of ruthless American forces pales in contrast with the war crimes committed by the Bush administration.

Step Two

All American troops should be pulled out of Iraq immediately. Greedy Halliburton executives should be left behind to put the country back the way they found it before the evil triumvirate of George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld destroyed the joy of life under Saddam Hussein. Halliburton should be forced to subsidize American taxpayer funds to pay for the rebuilding of Iraq’s infrastructure. This would include restoring Saddam’s palaces to their former glory, burning down all the schools and hospitals we have built over the last three years and, of course, helping to transport Saddam’s WMDs back from Syria. Perhaps, as a gesture of good will, we could even gas a few Kurds for him on our way out of the country.

Step Three

All detainees languishing in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and in secret CIA torture chambers around the world should be released from prison, compensated by the American taxpayer for the horrible treatment that has caused them to hate us so vehemently, and then returned to their country of origin with a six-pack of Coke and a complimentary copy of “Girls Gone Wild.” If they promise not to hurt us, they should be allowed to live here in the United States with the rest of our illegal aliens.

Step Four

For each Iraqi killed, either by the imperialist American forces or by the brave al-Qaeda freedom fighters who sacrificially blow themselves up on a daily basis, compensation in the amount of one billion dollars should be given to the families. These funds should be taken directly out of the obscene profits of American oil companies and, of course, Wal-Mart.

Under this comprehensive, four-step plan, these measures could be implemented on the first day of the Democrat-controlled Congress — right after they vote to raise our taxes and impeach the President of the United States.