What It Takes to Be a Good Democrat

Unable to “hash” out a coherent, unified position on any issue, Democrats are fielding a variety of leftist ideas this election season. Such campaign promises include taxing funerals, reducing the child tax credit for middle class families, and letting pedophiles live near schools so they can vote — for Democrats. Never forget the chief campaign promise of Democrats: take our quasi-socialist government and institute full-blown Marxism.

While Democrats claim to oppose Communism, their actions tell a different story. Efforts to nationalize industries, establish a single-payer healthcare system, and abolish all references to God are indicative of their quest for a utopia based in secularism and excessive equality. All of this war for ideas, of course, is won in America’s public school classrooms, where teachers promote “open-mindedness” by displaying portraits of Che Guevara. The rhetoric is of course cloaked in moderation. Fear of lynching by the American public prevents Democrats from saying what they truly believe.

Despite conclusions by political pundits of all stripes that the 2004 election was a referendum on values, Democrats seem more hell-bent than ever on moving the Party further to the left, as is evidenced by their selection of nut job Howard Dean as Party spokesman. Polls may show public dissatisfaction with the Republican Congress, but dissatisfaction with the minority Party is even greater. The last time the minority had a lower satisfaction rating than the majority was — wait, that’s actually never happened before.

The inability to articulate a political platform palatable to the American public leaves Democrats stooping to new lows each passing day. Pinning their hopes on a cut-and-run strategy in the war on terror leaves them clamoring to whip the Caucus into line. In fact, minor signs of bipartisanship and independence by members of Democratic Party are a death sentence via mob lynching for the perpetrator. Such an execution resembles a Purple Haze fan club gathering.

Unable to win at the ballot box, Democrats of late have increasingly relied on the federal courts to implement their agenda. Judges who stick to the Constitution are labeled extremists, bigots, and a slew of racial epithets. However, the control of the judiciary seems to be slipping from the Democrats. Recent State Supreme Court rulings in heavily Democratic states such as New York and Washington have dealt serious blows to efforts to redefine marriage.

Left with few options, Democrats have resorted to internal political witch hunts in an effort to seize control of the country. Former Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate and longtime Sen. Joe Lieberman (D.-Conn.) was beat out by a primary challenger as a result of his support for Jewish causes, like the defeat of Islamofascism. Support for the war in Iraq, coupled with criticism of Democrats and St. Clinton’s sex escapades landed him in hot water with burnt-out ‘60s radicals. Ned Lamont, Lieberman’s previously unknown billionaire challenger, gained a 4-point lead in the polls by criticizing a kiss Lieberman received from President Bush at this year’s State of the Union address. It is now apparent that Democrats’ ancestors were no doubt the mob of people screaming “crucify Him!” to Pontius Pilate. In fact, one of Lieberman’s campaign advisor recently told the New York Times that “there is a growing tolerance for anti-Semitism in the Progressive community.”

Even Boy Clinton said that the plan to purge Democrats who waver from the party on one issue was the most ridiculous election strategy he’s ever heard of. Still, John Kerry declined to support Lieberman. But alas, Stalin purged his comrades, too.

In order to be a “good Democrat” these days, one must posses a myopic obsession with personally hating the President, coupled with an appreciation for good hash and Willie Nelson songs. If deviance on one issue is all it takes to run a fellow party man up a flagpole, then McCain, Hagel, Graham, Frist, Chafee, DeWine, and Specter should all be hanging from the oaks in front of the Capitol. To the contrary, the Republican Party has always been a big-tent party where members are free to think independently. Despite our disagreements, we still respect McCain, et al as great men.

Dig this joint, man.