After making a wrong turn in the lobby of a Washington hotel a few weeks ago, I found myself having to edge my way out of a conference room filled with glassy-eyed liberals, standing in rapt adulation while Senator John Kerry (D-MA) stood on stage, publicly purging himself of his 2002 vote for the Iraqi war resolution. My good friend, Professor Maroon was with me. “I was afraid this might happen,” he said. “We’re in the middle of the ‘Take Back America’ conference. Last time I saw a group of liberals look this catatonic was when Al Gore was in town. I almost feel bad for them, poor devils.”
“Forget them, Prof. Did you hear what Kerry just said? I thought he voted for intervention in Iraq? Now he says he was wrong. Now I’m confused.”
“Well son, I’m still working out some of the kinks, but let’s head up to my room and step into my John Kerry WayBack Machine and look at some of Long John’s earlier statements about Iraq.”
“Here we go. Put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door knob. C’mon. Step in and don’t be afraid…but hold on. This could get bumpy!”
“Wow. Pretty cool! Stop here Professor Maroon…2002. The time gauge says October. Look! There’s Kerry now.”
”"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force - if necessary - to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security."
“Hey…this is fun Professor. But let’s ease up on the Kerry WayBack Machine lever a little. Here we go, December of 2003. Stop here.”
"Their sudden embrace of accelerated Iraqification and American troop withdrawal dates, without adequate stability, is an invitation to failure. The hard work of rebuilding Iraq must not be dictated by the schedule of the next American election."
“Did Kerry really say that Professor or is there something wrong with your invention?”
“Well, my boy. I might have to bring it in to the lab for some fining tuning. Then again, maybe we’ve entered a political wormhole, a disruption of the Space/Time Continuum, where things aren’t always what they seem to be. Lot of that going around in D.C.”
“A-w-w. This was starting to be fun Professor. Can we try it just one more time? Maybe set the machine to just a few days ago? Look Prof. There’s Kerry sulking on the Senate floor because only 6 of his fellow senators voted “aye” for his end-of-year troop withdrawal proposal. But I’m confused. I thought he said at our last stop that he was against cutting and running? But wait, now he’s talking with that fellow from Wisconsin, Senator Russ Feingold. Don’t they make a pair?”
“Turn the Kerry WayBack Machine off a moment, Professor Maroon. I think the junior senator from Massachusetts is now saying that he and Feingold have a new withdrawal plan. July 2007? What??”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to pull the machine back into the lab, my boy. Something must be wrong with it.”
“I don’t know, Professor. I’ve been taking some notes. Correct me if I’m wrong, okay?”
“Let’s see. Kerry voted for the use of force against Iraq.”
“Check.”
“Kerry said a timetable for troop withdrawals is ‘an invitation to failure.’’
“Check.”
“Kerry said he was wrong to vote for the use of force against Iraq.”
“Check.”
“Kerry wants troops out of Iraq by the end of 2006.”
“Check.”
“Kerry wants troops out of Iraq by July, 2007.”
“Check.”
“Well son. Id rather be safe than sorry. It must be the Kerry WayBack Machine. This is still the beta version. We’re heading back to the lab so I can take a look under the hood of this thing. No politiciancould flip-flop so many times on an important issue like Iraq.”
“Check.”
