The Rude Beggar of the United Nations

American taxpayers provide 25% of the United Nations’ “budget.” In return, we are told by the international affairs experts — who brought us the Oil-for-Food scandal — that America receives the fruits of the UN’s diplomacy, such as the War in Iraq.

Now, however, Americans are ominously questioning the wisdom of continuing to provide international diplomacy’s drunken sailors more of our hard earned money. Not surprisingly, the drunken sailors are piqued. But given the sense of fair play they’ve garnered dodging parking tickets in New York, the first mate of the UN’s ship of stasis, Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown, has mustered all of his diplomatic skill to deftly massage this delicate problem by deigning to inform the American public this dire situation has been caused by …


Now before you, my fellow Middle Americans, disinterestedly yawn, I suggest you pay a wee bit of attention to the Malloch Brown’s fantasy because it costs you money.

According to the deputy secretary-general, the UN has fallen prey to yet another invidious right-wing cabal by the Bush Administration.

Specifically, the reason we dislike his Dionysian organization stems from the United States’ government keeping its close working relationship with the UN “a secret in Middle America.” Worse, this cosmopolitan super sleuth has delved into Middle America’s mind and deduced how this nefarious plot — including, no doubt, the left-wing news media’s unjustly hyping Oil-for-Food scandal stories by placing them conspicuously beneath the Pet Obituaries on page 9Z of opinion shaping publications, like the Saavy Shoppers’ Coupons Supplement — is working.

To wit, Malloch Brown has said: “Too much unchecked UN-bashing and stereotyping over too many years” has imperiled ‘the victim, (which) I fear, will be the United Nations.”

Given his novel diplomatic approach of biting our hand before it feeds him, let us see what our simple Middle American minds can glean from the fathomless seas of Malloch Brown’s troubled mind:

  • First, one can sense he disdains the “stereotyping over too many years” of anything, except Middle America.
  • Second, one can tell he is no fan of Middle America’s unsophisticated attachment to “unchecked” freedom of speech.
  • Third, one can admire his compassionate dedication to defending a “victim,” so long as they are whining and dining UN bureaucrats and not, one fears, an African.
  • Fourth, from his tone, one can discern UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan is standing firmly in his Gucci shoes behind his man, despite pressure from America’s Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, whose unbecoming, Middle American vice of moral clarity has made even senators weep.
  • Fifth, one can be sure Ambassador Bolton and the U.S. House Republicans demands U.S. funding be tied to UN reform is being put at the top of his and Secretary-General Annan’s long list of U.S. crimes against bureaucracy.
  • Sixth, one can hope he doesn’t visit Middle America.
  • And, finally, one can wretch at the UN’s sense of entitlement to Americans’ money.

Given what our middling minds have gleaned, what should Middle America and all of beknighted fellow citizens tell Malloch Brown?

OK … I can’t print it like that, so I’ll restate the question. What should Middle America politely tell Malloch Brown?

How’s this:

“Dear Mr. Mark Malloch Brown,

“We in Middle America never reward a rude beggar. Your problem is not Middle America’s ignorance of the U.N.’s virtues; your problem is Middle America’s awareness of your vices.

“So, until you U.N. mendicants clean up your mess, and stop your unchecked U.S.-bashing and stereotyping of Middle America, you will get no more of our money.

“P.S. Give our regards to Benon Sevan, wherever he may flee.”

On second thought, no. Let’s show Malloch Brown a little Middle-American courtesy, and politely pretend we’re not home when he darkens our door.