Ahmadinejad's Nuclear Missive Revealed

There has been rampant speculation as to the content of the letter sent by Mr. Ahmadinejad of Iran to our President, but we’re happy to announce that we have acquired the exclusive translation. A scoop, you might say, or is it pronounced spoof?

Dear President Halliburton,

In the spirit of comedy which formerly characterized the relationship between our great nations, please allow me to present this Overture in A(sia) Minor. In fact, since this is our first letter in twenty-seven years, let it be a consonant. (We have plenty of money, but you can’t buy avowal.) For too long the smiling face of diplomacy has been obscured by the dark burqa of hostility.

But first, let me ask you for a simple consideration that should unite all civilized men: could you please not unload this epistle on that Rice woman? This is embarrassing for any good Muslim. My wife would kick me out of the house and I would have to spend my night alone with the hookah. When they sent Albright, we were able to convince our people that it was really a man, but this Rice is too feminine and it would be a real drag.

Down to business, as you Americans say. For you everything is commerce, but in our country we devote our time to silent contemplation punctuated by the occasional explosion when someone flicks their Bic too close to the vest. We also prey a lot. More chants, less merchants, that’s our motto. When a man needs to put some food in his mouth, we offer two choices of career: oily rug salesman or rugged oil man. Who says we have no liberty?

To brass tacks, then, to employ a homely phrase that reveals your culture to be defined by manual labor. You mentioned in your recent speeches that you were opposed to our nucular program. Please allow me to assure you that we have no nucular program at all. We do have a nuclear program, but surely you cannot be opposed to that. I know that you Republicans run on family values, and we are just trying to strengthen our nuclear family.

Let us rather focus on things that we can do for each other. For example, you suffer the indignity that people call you a puppet of Cheney. I suffer the indignity that people call me a puppet of Khameni. The similarity is unmistakable. The truth, of course, is that I do make my own decisions; I just have to mullah them over first. You, on the other hand, can’t even listen to Cheney unless you get a green light from the board of Halliburton, not to mention the Elders of Zion and the neo-Straussians. So we can help each other by teaching the world the truth of the other’s circumstances.

Also we can help you with this Israel nuisance. Don’t tell me that it thrills you to deal with these guys. What a menagerie there! They have Sharon in Basic Instinct 3: The Coma. Olmert is in over his head, like an episode of “Yes, Prime Minister”. And do you know who they trotted out to threaten me with nuclear annihilation? Shimon Peres, the Wizard of Oslo! Is that guy preserved in formaldehyde or what?! I know he’s Lauren Bacall’s cousin, maybe she taught him how to use makeup.

Anyway, they can call themselves Israel or Utopia or whatever, but we know what they really are: a bunch of cheap Jews with long noses. I’m sure you feel the same way, so just say the word anytime and we’ll push them into the sea. By the way, did you hear the one about the suicide bomber and the rabbi at the B’nai Brith meeting? The suicide bomber was going to make his move right after the speech but the rabbi put him to sleep and saved the day.

Also very important, we can do a cultural exchange program to unite our two nations. It would work like this. I have a Salman Rushdie cultural problem. We have been chasing him for years, but his girlfriend won’t reveal his whereabouts, and it ain’t over until the fatwa lady sings. You have a Johnny Depp cultural problem, with his shunning your country by living and getting plastered in Paris. Well, you know what we say in the Middle East: “You scratch my baklava, I’ll scratch yours.” If you make Salman die in a rush, we’ll show Johnny he’s out of his depth.

One last personal request. I have been told that I resemble a famous American, Alfred E. Neumann. Could a meeting be arranged?

Your Farsi-ing Pal,