Undocumented Welder Topples Spanish Language Radio Towers

Arizona Spanish language radio station KMIA-AM (710) was knocked off the air this week when one or more undocumented welders used a blow torch to cut the steel support rods on four 197-foot tall radio towers, toppling them to the ground.

Damage is estimated in the millions of dollars and the station expects to be off the air for several weeks.  Station manager Tom Duran said he was not sure if the unauthorized toppling of the radio towers was related to this week’s massive marches by illegal aliens and their supporters, which were organized in large part by Spanishlanguage radio stations.

Mr. Duran added, "It’s disheartening to know that somebody would do damage like this to a federally licensed facility."  

I agree with Mr. Duran, you can’t have people wandering the Arizona countryside in the dead of night violating federal laws.  Unless, of course, those people are foreigners violating federal immigration, identification, tax, and employment laws by sneaking into our country, and working illegally, off the books, under fake names and Social Security numbers in the unregulated underground economy.

On the other hand, rebuilding the radio towers will contribute to the American economy and towers can be legally demolished by those with the proper paperwork.  So perhaps the real problem here is simply that the aspiring welder did not have such documentation, which is often difficult for poor or uneducated people to come by.

Also of great concern was the fact that, because of his undocumented status, the so-called “illegal” welder was forced to work “in the shadows” in a dangerous desert environment.  

No word on if “humanitarian” groups or church officials plan to begin providing water and acetylene near other radio towers in the area.  But it is just a matter of time before some poor soul seeking a better life without unsightly radio towers is killed while journeying through the remote and hostile locations in which unauthorized tower demolition work can be found.

Clearly, the time is now for comprehensive radio tower demolition reform.  We cannot just enforce existing laws against destruction of property and expect this problem to go away.  Some provision must be made for the undocumented welders among us to come out of the shadows and receive full welding certification, at government expense.

Although the most enlightened thing would be to fully amnesty the undocumented steel cutters (many of whom are our neighbors, after all), middle America may not be sophisticated enough to understand this.

So I would like to suggest a Comprehensive Undocumented Torch Manipulator and Operator Reform bill (the CUTMOR bill) modeled on the McCain-Kennedy-Specter plan for reforming our immigration system.  

Those who can prove they demolished radio towers prior to Jan. 1, 2007, will be able to pay a $500 fine and receive “temporary guest welder” status in our country.  The fine means it is NOT an amnesty, and that should help sell it to the Weldo-phobic rubes that are not as smart as the proponents of full amnesty.   

Those guest welders who stay employed and un-convicted of any crimes they commit for a period of three years, can have their status renewed and then be put on the path toward master welder certification.

Now, there are many who will say that the CUTMOR bill would simply reward lawbreakers and encourage others to violate laws in the future.  But these people are not aware of how our modern economy truly operates or how outdated law “enforcement” is in the new global reality.

If we want fewer towers cut down tomorrow, we must amnesty those who cut down towers today.  That is the only comprehensive solution.  Welders built this country.  It would be un-American not to let them tear it down.

For those of you slow to pick up on the joke, this satirical piece was written in the spirit of April Fool’s Day.