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‘Good Night, Osama Bin Brokeback: Trans-Syriana Constant Gardner’

Sunday night is Oscar night, and all America is abuzz –except for all the states in the middle, south, mountains, plains, inland west, east, and far north. But Manhattan and two cities in California are simply radiant with anticipation. The anticipation has reached a new climax, though, with the shocking appearance of a new Oscar favorite just two days before the ceremony: "Good Night, Osama Bin Brokeback: Trans-Syriana Constant Gardner."

"This changes everything," commented the Academy upon announcing that the small independent film, would now be nominated in every category, despite having appeared two months after the normal deadline. "This could be the greatest film ever made!" according to Ang Lee, director of "Brokeback Mountain," who immediately asked that his name be withdrawn from consideration for Best Director, in homage to the new entry. "I am crap" chimed in George Clooney, crying uncontrollably after the premiere. "I will never write, direct, produce, act, edit, or key grip again. I can never match this."

"Good Night, Osama Bin Brokeback: Trans-Syriana Constant Gardner" is the touching love story of two blacklisted Arab journalists who take a job tending sheep one summer in beautiful, isolated "Brokeback Wadi" — only to discover over the course of that summer of manly innocence that they have deep homosexual love for one another (to the relief of many worried sheep).  

The strength of this non-conventional, and thus praiseworthy, love affair emboldens the two Trotskyite shepherds to realize that they are actually lesbians trapped in men’s bodies, a fact they did not previously understand due to the soul-killing patriarchical propaganda fed to them by Evil McBigs, a Christian missionary/Exxon oil executive.  Thus, the two set off on a transgendered journey of discovery across Syriana, a mythical country that — like all the Middle East — would be peaceful, if not for the insidious influence of Evil McBigs and his cronies at the CIA and Halliburton.

After a late night session of peyote and a marathon screening of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" on Al-Jazeera, one of the trans-lesbian lovers, Osama, has a vision in which s/he realizes that Evil McBigs is actually Joe Camel –and thus responsible for the imminent death of the other trans-lesbian shepherd, Jake, who has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer after years of smoking Virginia Slims.

Osama thus resolves to drive a hybrid car bomb into Evil McBigs newest liquefied natural gas terminal, where McBigs is also conducting medical experiments on Africans for Pfoozer, a large evil drug company that actually works for the CIA, which is owned by Halliburton, where Dick Cheney once worked, before inventing George W. Bush. Also, Evil McBigs is really a Jew, having changed his name from Evil McBigbergerstein.

"You’ve come a long way baby," Osama says to a dashboard picture of Jake before his martyr-like self-immolation for World Peace. This leaves a forlorn Jake alone, smelling Osama’s robes wistfully, while being unknowingly poisoned by Pfoozer chemotherapy experiments.

So you can see how no other Oscar nominee has a chance in Hell of winning now. "I just couldn’t stop crying," said most of the 113 people who actually saw the film.

And neither can I.

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Written By

Mr. Johnson, a writer and medical researcher in Cambridge, Mass., is a regular contributor to HUMAN EVENTS. His column generally appears on Tuesdays. Archives and additional material can be found at www.macjohnson.com.

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