Alito Soars, Dems Stumble

Samuel Alito passed the scrutiny of the Senate Judiciary Committee with flying colors. Perhaps liberals have figured out once and for all that you actually have to win elections in order to call the shots on the Senate Judiciary Committee.

After all, if Ted Kennedy can’t sabotage them, they must’ve learned something last week. But then again, Ivy League schools turn out some pretty stupid people. If liberals didn’t learn anything from the Alito confirmation hearings, the American people certainly learned that the Democrats are still embarrassing themselves.

Last Tuesday, the maid forgot that she was supposed to keep the Bloody Mary mix in the liquor cabinet until after Ted gets home from the Senate. She must’ve been stressed out and decided a liquid breakfast would have to do for Senator Kennedy. Nevertheless, Ted’s outburst during the questioning rounds of the confirmation hearings was magnificent.

His performance showed, without any assistance from a medical professional, that booze really does kill. Evidently Ted thought his name was Arlen Specter and decided to run the Judiciary Committee out of concern that Judge Alito was a sexist Neanderthal. Kennedy foolishly demanded a subpoena of the writings of Concerned Alumni of Princeton’s president.

Despite the fact that Alito’s membership in CAP stemmed solely from his support of ROTC cadets, Kennedy thought Alito and the president of CAP were Siamese twins enjoined at the brain. Kennedy’s concern about the writings of CAP’s bigoted president somehow transferred to Samuel Alito being unfit to sit on the Supreme Court. The funny thing was, the so-called “liberal lion’s” sycophantic cubs were nowhere to be heard. Even Dianne Feinstein saw no need for concern, saying that a filibuster is not warranted.

In the midst of Kennedy’s hysteria over the writings of someone with whom the nominee completely disagrees, it comes out that Kennedy wrote the rules for Harvard’s “Owl Club,” a so-called “social organization” that barred female members. I guess Kennedy views women as merely sex toys that aren’t meant to be ocean-going vessels. His last model ship, the Mary Jo Kopechne, sunk off the coast of Massachusetts. I guess he missed the “NOT MADE FOR WATER” label on the model kit. And yet a scientific question of genuine merit such as “Are Women Wired Differently than Men?” makes Harvard president Lawrence Summers a criminal bigot. Needless to say, the mainstream press won’t be taking Kennedy to Salem for a witch trial anytime soon, but Summers’ body can be found somewhere in the Charles River.

Senator Feinstein has ruled out a filibuster because Kennedy already embarrassed the Democratic Party enough. Feinstein has evidently realized how ridiculous it is for the Party of Jim Crow and infanticide to be concerned about imaginary racism in the new Associate Justice.

However, Senator Schumer refuses to rule out the possibility. After all, he is the chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Committee. Schumer is still trying to figure out if he wants to embarrass the entire Democratic Party and some crooked Republican Congressman, or just his own party.

“Darn it, Harry! The Abramoff scandal was supposed to be a Republicans-only affair! You putz! It was supposed to mask the fact that we still don’t have a plan to win an actual election! Quick, donate the money you got from Jack to Planned Parenthood! Oh wait….but Patrick Kennedy says we’ve always gotten illegal money from the Indian Tribes!” Like father, like son.

Meanwhile, in the real world, ordinary Americans are still trying to figure out the connection between Judge Alito and the writings of the bigoted president of CAP. All I can come up with is that both the president of CAP and Ted Kennedy are bigots who shouldn’t be in positions of national importance.