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Bush names new Agriculture Chief

Following his surprise pick of his former personal lawyer, Harriet Miers, to fill Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat on the Supreme Court, President Bush today named a new Head of the Department of Agriculture.  The choice, Juan Valdez, again surprised many Washington insiders who cannot recall ever having met or even heard of Mr. Valdez.

Announcing his choice from the Rose Garden, President Bush commented, “Juan has served me faithfully for many years, going back to when he first introduced me to drought resistant varieties of Lantana back when he was the groundskeeper at the Ballpark in Arlington.  Juan followed me to the Governor’s Mansion in Austin, where the grasses of the Governor’s Lawn enjoyed a deep rich green color thanks to Juan’s secret grass tonic and liver elixir.”

“And now, continuing his many years of personal service and loyalty to my administration, Juan has just completed a five year tenure here in the White House Staff.  If anyone has any doubts as to his copious qualifications in the field of plant growth and agriculture, I say ‘Just look at them roses there!’  Juan grew ‘em all.  I think that that one’s called a ‘Tea Rose’.  Right, Juan?

“The variety’s called ‘Barbara Bush’.  Ha ha aha ha ha.  [Snort.]  Now that’s what I like to see in a public servant: loyalty!  I know Juan’s gonna make a great head of the USDA.  He’s ‘Grade A.’ Ha ha aha ha ha.  [Snort.]”

Bush then introduced reporters to a Mrs. Edna Milsap, his English Teacher from the 8th grade, fueling rampant speculation that the position of Education Secretary could soon be filled.

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Mr. Johnson, a writer and medical researcher in Cambridge, Mass., is a regular contributor to HUMAN EVENTS. His column generally appears on Tuesdays. Archives and additional material can be found at www.macjohnson.com.

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