The USeless Constitution


We the people of the Red and Blue States, in Order to form a more politically correct Union, establish Judicial Activism, insure domestic tyranny, provide for common defense as long as it is politically popular to do so, promote the general Welfare so to create a dependent citizenry, and secure the Blessings of Liberty from a neutral, non-denominational God to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain (in a non-religious way) and establish this Constitution for the Red and Blue States of America.

Article I
Article II
Article III
Article IV
Article V
Article VI
Article VII

(Articles I thru VII aren’t important and are always subject to change)

The Bill of Quasi-Rights

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. This includes pictures, paintings, sculptures, symbols, words and writings. None of the preceding will be allowed! Government endorsement of religion is forbidden even though The Declaration of Independence makes reference to “The Creator.” Citizens of these Red and Blue States are to overlook that erroneous religious reference. Congress shall also make no law prohibiting the free exercise of religion unless, of course, it’s Christianity – in which case those holy rollers need to be stopped, hindered and blocked at all costs. Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech (again, this doesn’t pertain to Christians). Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press unless a conservative media gains widespread popularity. Most of the people have the right to peaceably assemble. However, radical left-wing groups may use force and violence, as well as disturb the peace and harass law enforcement. And finally, conservatives, right-wingers and holy rollers can petition the government for a redress of grievances, but, quite frankly, we don’t care. On the other hand, liberals, left-wingers and secularists can petition the government for a redress of grievances, and as long as they are loud enough and have the backing of The New York Times, The LA Times or The Washington Post, Congress shall hold televised hearings.

Amendment II

A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THESE WORDS. This amendment was only necessary during the late 18th century.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, or in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law or judicial activism.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Even when various groups within our own boarders are conspiring to harm the citizenry and the authorities have reasonable suspicion as to whom the culprits are, Congress will attempt to block and hinder legislation that would otherwise allow law enforcement agencies to protect the people of these Red and Blue States. 

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of the choice of life, restricted liberty, or private property, without due process of law or maybe not – depending on how the Judge feels. Private property may be taken for public use or if a business, developer or organization convinces government officials a specific parcel of land would be more profitable and taxable if seized from its current owner and resold for development without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial that is unless the accused is a Hollywood celebrity. When dealing with a celebrity, the individual will be in court forever and be subject to a very public trial (as in he or she will be front page news each day) yet very private trial (as in television and radio equipment may or may not be allowed in the courtroom. This matter will be left to the honorable judge presiding over the particular case) by an impartial jury (which must contain at least 3 African Americans, 3 Hispanics, 3 Asians, 2 Eskimos and 1 white, single female) of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted (This also pertains to POW’s, enemy combatants and the worst of the worst terrorists who would cut off your head in a second if given the chance.) All prisoners shall be afforded a college education, cable television, any Islamic fundamentalist reading material they wish, Harry Potter books, biographies of Senator Ted Kennedy, Dick Durbin and the congressional testimony of John F. Kerry from the late 1970’s, three gourmet meals a day, air conditioning, lawyers from the American Civil Liberties Union and digital cameras to document grave injustices which will later be leaked to the press.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.