Will the Supreme Court Release an 'Authorized Version' of the Ten Commandments?

Since Washington Beltway insiders have been outdoing each other engaging in “speculation,” “informed speculation” and “well-informed speculation” about the Supreme Court, we decided, why not?

It’s our opinion that the Supreme Court’s “authorized” version of the Ten Commandments is about to go on sale in the Court’s gift shop. The “authorized” version is based on the opinions of Justices David Souter, John Paul Stevens, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer and Sandra Day O’Connor in McCreary County v. ACLU and prior Court rulings and statements.

We are the LORD your God who brought you out of liberty into the land of slavery to our dictates:

I. Thou shalt have no other gods before us and those authorized by us, which include all gods except the one who claims to be the one true God.

II. Thou shalt not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything other than our rulings. We are a jealous god and there are no other branches of gods equal to us according to the living version of our Constitution.

III. Thou shalt not misuse the names of your Supreme gods because it may promote violence against us, which might cause us to favor the death penalty after all, notwithstanding the laws of foreign gods to the contrary.

IV. Remember the Winter Holiday and Spring Break by keeping religion the heck out of it. Thou shalt include in any Winter Holiday display five reindeer, four snowpersons of various genders, three candy canes, two evergreens and a gay partridge in a pear tree.

V. Honor thy father and thy mother unless some lowly legislative knaves pass a law requiring you to notify your parents about your god-given right to abortion and there is no by-pass to a court god.

VI. Thou shalt not commit murder unless the victim is unborn. It shall be murder if the murderer is not the mother of the unborn and kills without her consent. (This makes sense only to court gods.)

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless it’s in the privacy of your bedroom or you are a performance artist funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal unless it involves interstate or intrastate commerce or you are fleecing the rich.

IX. Thou shalt not give false testimony against your neighbor unless you are expressing your right ‘to define your own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of life.’

X. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s house unless you are a government agency and you can turn a quick buck by seizing it under the guise of public use. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey except in your constitutionally protected right to make, distribute or look at pornography.

If you still need convincing that who sits on the Supreme Court isn’t a big deal, visit A Full Court’s Press.