Losers live in their parents’ basement and dream that they are just one hit song away from stardom.
Losers neglect their retirement savings and fantasize about the way they will live after they magically win the lottery.
Losers weigh 431 pounds and wish — through a month full of Twinkies and Diet Coke — that someone someday will invent a miracle diet pill so that they can be pretty.
And this week, losers met in the basement of the Capitol building and sat behind little mismatched folding tables interviewing each other in an “unofficial investigative hearing” that they believe might allow them to retake power one day — without them ever having to re-examine who they are, what they stand for, or why most Americans have decided that they and their fellow liberals are a just bunch of losers undeserving of further support.
Yes, one of the hallmarks of leaches, losers, bums, stoners, halfwits, and leftists is that they tend to live in a beautiful delusion in which nothing is really wrong with them, they just need a break — a magic event that will solve all their problems at once and effortlessly elevate them to their proper status in life. One day they’ll get that record contract, or win that Power-ball, or find that willpower-free path to weight loss — or even find that “smoking gun” memo that will, in one fell swoop, prove that George W. Bush really is worse than Hitler, Stalin, or Pol-Pot, and magically, instantly make everybody love and vote for them again.
It’s easier than self-examination and hard work.
So it was this week as a group of stellar Congressional Democrats, led by Rep. John Conyers of Michigan, held “hearings” with each other to discuss the so-called “DOWNING STREET MEMO”. The DOWNING STREET MEMO (always to be pronounced after a pregnant pause and in a voice a half octave lower than normal speech) is a set of notes from a meeting of British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his advisors during the lead up to the War in Iraq in July of 2002. And Democrats believe this could be (again) the big break they’ve been waiting for, the magic bullet that will wrap-up the plot of the movie in which they star in their heads just in time for the commercial break and the 2006 mid-term elections.
So what is in the dreaded DOWNING STREET MEMO that Democrats think is so horrible that it makes even them look good by comparison? Essentially, it all boils down to two sentences in the whole document. When discussing the British administration’s impression of the attitude of the United States administration (which is a curious sort of “smoking gun” regardless of what the memo says, isn’t it?), the memo states:
“Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy.”
Obviously, “fixed around” means “firmly organized around” in this passage, which is especially apparent when one reads the whole memo. But the anti-war zealots and hopeful Democrats think it could mean “blatantly manufactured so as to defraud” — as in the “the fix is in” or “he fixed the fight.” The proper wording to express that idea, of course, would be more like “Thus the intelligence and facts were being fixed, so as to falsely justify the policy” — which is exactly the sort of thing people involved in a conspiracy would never write down in a memo, anyway. But those who need to believe that there was a conspiracy think that they can sell the more improbable meaning of “fixed around” to the voters — if they just had a forum in which to explain it loudly and frequently enough. “Fixed around” — that’s it. That one phrase is all the whole DOWNING STREET MEMO fuss is about.
In effect, the Democrats are holding hearings because they claim not to believe that words can have more than one meaning — a bit surprising for the party that once told us “it all depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”
The ridiculousness of trying to build a whole propaganda scandal around an unlikely interpretation of one word in a memo of opinion from a foreign government shows how addicted the Democrats have grown to “investigation” as a tool for defamation. For years while Democrats were in charge of Congress, any allegation against a Republican was reason enough to hold public hearings. Lack of supporting evidence was even more of a reason to hold hearings, since evidence was obviously being covered up if no one could find it! Such investigations never seemed to reach any definitive findings though, because that would mean they might end; and their real purpose was to ensure a continuous stream of media coverage that began “The President today continued to deny allegations…”
But what are you to do if you can’t hold an official hearing to slander an opponent just because the American people have voted you out of power? Why, just hold a fake hearing in your parents’ basement! At the very least, MSNBC will show up, and then maybe someone with a real TV show will see the report and get the word out!
So for several hours last Thursday, that is just what a group of Democrats did. They sat across from each other in neat little rows and asked one another questions for the benefit of reporters and C-Span 3 (C-Spans 1 and 2 are just too darn hard to get on some days). The whole thing looked rather like a model UN put on by a group of eager schoolchildren — except without any kid there to play the representative of the American people. He must have actually been at work that day.
The “committee” even called “witnesses,” including a spokesman for the pertinent and timely new political organization “AfterDowningStreet.org” — because after the DOWNING STREET MEMO everything has changed. (At this point in the surreal spectacle all I could hear in my head were lyrics from the Beck song “Loser”: I’m a driver, I’m a winner… things are gonna change, I can feel it!)
But wait, there’s more! To increase the sheer pitiable phoniness of the whole thing, the event was simulcast to a select audience at the Headquarters of the Democratic National Committee (thus proving it was not a political stunt). A “handful” of members of this audience distributed literature to their comrades at the DNC helpfully explaining that the September 11th terrorist attack was actually committed by Israel to give George W. Bush the pretext he needed to invade Iraq, so that Israel and America could then dominate the Middle East. This, of course, did not echo at all the kookiness inside the “hearing,” where one “witness” explained to the committee that the Iraq war was actually begun so that “the United States and Israel could dominate that part of the world.”
These last actions were so outrageous that even Howard Dean thought they crossed a line –even Howard Dean. Of course, this could be because Dean might have trouble believing the Republicans are secretly working for the Jews when he will be the first to tell you that Republicans are “pretty much a white, Christian Party” who are “not very friendly to different folks.” My, it’s so hard to keep the Democrat’s ethno-religious conspiracy theories straight some days. But the important thing to remember is that they are the party of reason and tolerance.
When not explaining the world’s secret conspiracies, the DOWNING STREET MEMO crowd is busy complaining that the media isn’t giving the vaunted DOWNING STREET MEMO as much attention as something as obviously important as the DOWNING STREET MEMO deserves. I mean, why aren’t the streets filled with protestors and revolution?
Perhaps it’s because the memo doesn’t matter, has been covered for two months already, and doesn’t really say what they want it to say? Other than that, it’s a great story. So my advice to Democrats is just keep sitting in the basement and dreaming that the vast right-wing conspiracy will one day sin so badly that it makes even you look smart and attractive. It could happen, after all. Sometimes the losers do win the lottery — and hoping for that is much easier than working to provide the American people with a positive attractive alternative to vote for in the next election.
And besides, we all know that the Masons are the ones that really control everything. Duh.
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