Lawlessness: The Solution to Anarchy!

According to the FBI, every 14.6 seconds one burglary is committed in America.  The primary reason behind this disturbing fact is that it remains illegal to take other people’s stuff. 

Even if you really, really need other people’s stuff to enjoy a better life for you and your children, you are not “supposed” to take it under current rules.  But what choice do tens of thousands of Americans have?  Likewise, there are millions of items that –when new and un-stolen– have prices that most Americans are simply not willing to pay.  We all benefit from theft, yet it remains illegal.  This antiquated system of “law” results in thousands of enterprising people being needlessly labeled “thieves” each year and diverts scarce government resources away from funding more important priorities such as Public Broadcasting and the “Wild Fish Propagation Center” in Sulphur Springs, West Virginia.

Clearly burglary, or “undocumented income redistribution,” is a serious problem.  But fortunately there is a solution: just legalize burglary.  The simplicity of this approach is so overwhelming that I find it hard to believe no one has thought of it before me.  I cannot, however, take full credit for this marvelous idea.  Really, I just stole it from John McCain and Ted Kennedy, who propose something similar in their new “plan” to address illegal immigration, the 2005 Secure America and Orderly Immigration Act.   Polls show that Americans are fed up with our broken borders, so John and Ted and a few friends* have decided to declare war on illegal immigration –-not the act, but the concept.

Evidently, the “problem” with illegal immigration is that it’s illegal.  And the 2005 Secure America and Orderly Immigration Act puts an end to that!  The bill gives the ten million illegal aliens currently stowed away in the country a free pass to legality.  Well, actually that’s not quite true.  The government couldn’t resist the urge to raise a little revenue off the poor oppressed migrants that are just seeking a better life in America.  So after paying a substantial fee, then they get a pass –which must be why the Senators are so adamant that this is NOT, repeat NOT, an amnesty.  After all, you don’t have to pay for an amnesty –just ask Mark Rich.

After the illegal aliens already here get made legal (but do NOT get an amnesty), those who wish to enter America illegally will have to settle for being Guest Workers.  The wholesome Guest Worker concept –which has provided Europe with “temporary” second-class citizens now in their third generation of disgruntled and disenfranchised residence– will now come to America in order to fill jobs that no American is available or wants to do.”  The Bill does not address how many Americans might want to do these jobs if they did not have to compete for them with several million refugees from nations where the per capita Gross National Income ranges from $1,541 (Guatemala) to $5,920 (Mexico).

Importantly, just like the amnesties and non-amnesties that have come before it, the non-amnesty in this bill will allow us to make a fresh start and finally secure the border –right after this last non-amnesty is granted.  Why the government that cannot secure the border now will suddenly acquire this ability right after the non-amnesty is a little murky.  Perhaps it will be easier to do then, since we can expect most of the population of the rest of the world to have already arrived here by the time the bill is signed.  If you want to get your non-amnesty, you better sneak into America now!  It could be ten years before Congress gets the guts up to pull this again.

But this bill isn’t just about legalizing illegal immigration.  As with airline bills, agriculture bills, art bills, education bills, defense bills, highway bills, worker safety bills, energy bills, welfare bills, environment bills, space travel bills, and bills naming June as “Pork Sausage Month,” this bill can be expected to increase Homeland Security. “Homeland security is our nation’s number one priority,” commented Maverick Senator John McCain, “this legislation includes a number of provisions that together will make our nation more secure.”  That’s probably why the bill is so heartily supported by the security-minded National Restaurant Association.  The National Association of Those Too Cheap to Pay an American to Cut Their Grass has not yet commented, but no doubt they see the Homeland Security implications as well.

Anyway, after illegal immigration is made legal, this same foolproof strategy can then be applied to solving other chronic crime issues.  For example, “Tax Cheats,” or “undocumented deduction finders”, cost the government around $300 billion dollars per year in lost revenue –revenue that the undocumented deductors simply need to provide a better life for themselves and their families while contributing to the American economy.  Were the maverick and the mammoth Senators McCain and Kennedy to whip up the 2005 Secure Revenue and Orderly Taxation Act, legalizing creative accounting and NOT-amnestying past offenders, this problem could be totally eliminated.  If the government isn’t legally owed the money anymore, it can’t be lost revenue!  Problem solved.  But for some reason, the government insists on addressing this problem with an unrealistic program of persistent dedicated enforcement.

So maybe it’s not a perfect solution for all criminal headaches.  But certainly it could work for those crimes that don’t directly reduce the power of Government –burglary, fraud, assault, murder of a non-office holder, etc.  The legalization solution holds great promise, because a nation without laws to enforce is a nation without crime.

Of course, the most logical extension of that line of thinking is that since Congress passes laws, then Congress causes crime.  Maybe McCain and Kennedy are actually on to something.

*The complete list of sponsors of this bill are:

Senator John McCain

Senator Edward Kennedy

Senator Joseph Lieberman

Senator Sam Brownback

Representative Jeff Flake

Representative Jim Kolbe

Representative Luis Gutierrez