Billboard Causes Panic: Los Angeles Population Plummets 14% in Three Days

Los Angeles —   A controversial billboard campaign in Los Angeles continued to make headlines this week as anger rapidly turned to confusion and hysteria.

The billboard, advertising a Spanish Language television station, originally made news by enraging many Americans with its aggressive Mexican Nationalist message –declaring that Los Angeles was no longer part of the United States, but was instead a Mexican city once again.

Below the banner message in which “Los Angeles, CA” had been crossed out and changed in blaring red type to read “Los Angeles, MEXICO,” the billboard pronounced in Spanish “Your City.  Your Team.”

Now Gringo anger is the least of the problems caused by the Billboard, as the apparently quite believable reconquista it announces sends shockwaves through the city’s residents, Anglo and Latino alike.  In a scene reminiscent of war-torn Europe 60 years ago, the roads leading north out of Los Angeles are choked with thousands of Mexican refugees stoically carrying their meager possessions with them.

When I asked what had precipitated this mass exodus, one migrant, whom we’ll call Jose “X,” simply turned, pointed to the Billboard looming over his neighborhood and said, “¡Oh Man!  I stopped walking too soon!” –then bravely continued on with the others.

I asked a second man why he was fleeing Los Angeles, Mexico.   “I did a lotta bad things back in Mexico, I’m afraid of police there,” he said matter-of-factly, then added “In America, police must give me Latte, so I walk to America.  Again.  ¡Norte!”

When questioned about the efflux of migrants blackening all roads leading out of Los Angeles, Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Hugh Dick responded “What Mexicans?  I don’t see any Mexicans.”

The Mexican government has seen the problem though and quickly dispatched officials to the scene to aid the population in re-escaping to America.  “This is a tragedy,” said Luis de Silva de Gonzales y Ramon de Dinero debajo de Mesa.  He added “These people thought they were safe and prosperous, now they’re just in Mexico.  Again.  ¡Norte!”

The reconquista panic has taken myriad forms.  Los Angeles wholesalers were said to be totally out of Chiclets brand gum, as terrified Los Angelinos, believing they were in Mexico, immediately sent their children into the streets to sell gum to tourists.  A dazed passer-by, Richard Martinez, commented, “I had a good paying job, Man.  Now this happens.  Heck, I don’t even know how to speak Spanish except a little to my Grandmother.  How am I supposed to make a living asking for hugs and cookies?  I’m an American for Chrissake!  Quit lumping me in with all these illegals  –I DON’T WANT ANY GUM, OK?  VAMOOS, YOU LITTLE URCHINS!–  Screw it.  I’m moving to Canada.”

Immigrant civil rights and advocacy groups were incensed. “How many will die on the long trek north now?” asked advocate and socialite Catherine van den Hempel-Jones.  “Moving the border means migrants have to walk all the way to Sacramento to find a better life now, surviving along the way only on convenience store rations and In-N-Out Burgers.  When will this madness end?  We demand –and will soon appeal to the United Nations to require– that a high-speed commuter rail be built out of Los Angeles immediately, preferably one fueled by bio-diesel and catered in a culturally sensitive manner.”  Ms. van den Hempel-Jones then turned and addressed one of the Northbound migrants: “Excusa me, camarada.  Do you need cold AGUA?”  Apparently mad from the heat, the poor Mexican migrant responded sharply and in remarkably good English “Get away from me, you freak!  God, I can’t wait to get to Canada.”

Asked for a comment on the fulminant crisis, President Bush –after a three-hour closed door meeting with top advisors- made a brief statement in both English and Spanish, saying he fully supported both the migrants and those who opposed them, as well as Los Angeles being free to “discover” which country it felt most comfortable in.  He then ended with a prayer calling for understanding and tolerance for “all God’s voters.”  Asked by reporters about potential Homeland Security implications, President Bush responded that he was “112% dedicated to securing the border, just as soon as it could be found.”

President Vicente Fox of Mexico subsequently released a statement condemning Bush’s total support for illegal aliens as “lukewarm” and demanding that Bush immediately deploy the Marines to Los Angeles to “restore Mexico’s moneymaker, dammit.”  Adding, “¿Do you think these people can sell enough gum to wire home a billion dollars a month?  ¡Take back L.A. now!”

Democrats immediately condemned President Bush’s bilingual statement as insensitive; then issued a counter-statement demanding that Los Angeles residents still be allowed to vote in the US by absentee ballot, and offering Mexico all California south of the Central Valley as an apology for “the crimes of the 1840’s”. 

“¡NOOOOOOOOO!  ¡GOD, NO!” commented President Fox.

Anti-American liberal whites in Los Angeles briefly poured into the streets to celebrate L.A.’s “liberation” from United States “hegemony”, but they were quickly dispersed with massive force from the Federale LAPD.  Commented one smiling officer as he repeatedly swung his baton onto a crying trustafarian, “Where’s your First Amendment NOW, pinko?”  The officer then asked us to pay a $100 cash fee for a “reporting license.”  “After this, I’m gonna start me a drug gang!” he told a grinning friend standing nearby, on the thin neck of a “Peace Activist”.

Pandemonium swept also through the wealthy neighborhoods of the Hollywood hills as Celebrities and hangers-on alike awoke to silent vacuum cleaners and mute lawnmowers.  In a statement on her website, Barbara Streisand reported that she would remain in Los Angeles as long as her colonic held out, if only to document the crisis on her new blog, I’m Famous, I Must be Smart!  The blog’s firsthand account of life without servants is chilling, to say the least: “This morning Ariel had to try to change her baby’s diaper without Consuela or Maria.  Thankfully, Doctors were able to save the precious child before she asphyxiated.  Ariel’s easily chapped hands are another matter altogether, however.  This is Bush’s fault!  Listen to me, People!”

Back on the roadway, Jose “X” added one last remark: “I hope they don’t move the border again.  I mean, I left Mexico for a reason.”

Well said, Jose.  Well said.  Here in America, we’ve all left someplace else for a reason.  So why on earth would we want to make America into any place else?

Reporting LIVE! from the scene of the unfolding Reconquista Panic: Mac Johnson, Servicio Noticias de Eventos Humanos.

Jayson Blair and Dan Rather contributed to this article.

Disclaimer: The above article contains jokes.  It is not meant to be taken seriously by lawyers, liberals, the literal-minded and other humorless poo-pooers.  Facts in this article may be limited to the first paragraph, however truth continues throughout.  For those wishing to follow the saga of the very real, very offensive billboard pictured above, I recommend this
this (VERY GOOD)
and this