By nominating a lightning-rod personality as his new ambassador to the United Nations, President Bush has sparked a Bolton from the blue, setting off political fire from the global liberal elite. A proud Reaganite who has served both in the U.S. Departments of State and Justice, John Bolton once was embraced publicly by legendary North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, who lovingly gushed: “John is the kind of man with whom I would want to stand at Armaggedon . . . the final battle between good and evil in this world.” This Righteous reputation, of course, is driving the liberals nuts. Massachusetts’ most recent presidential loser, John F. Kerry, has sniffed, “Quite simply, Mr. Bolton’s nomination carries with it baggage we cannot afford.” (Quite simply, JFK II did not mean this luggage reference as a slur upon the fine image of his own Louis Vuitton collection.) Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who fast is becoming the Democrat Party’s Nevada version of Desert Rat, bared his rodent-like teeth and solemnly squeaked: “This is a disappointing choice and one that sends all the wrong signals!” From the Republican side, extreme-moderate Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chaircreature Richard Lugar yawned and drooled his typically mushy Hoosier perspective: “I’m going to reserve any comments about the President’s appointmentâ€¦” The Bolton-bashing litany from the Leftist media is predictable, from the U.K.’s hoary Guardian to Gotham’s pinkish Gray Lady, the New York Times. Yet, what all these liberal voices have in common isâ€¦ they are wrong! John Bolton, far from being a hardcore conservative choice, is actually squishy soft when compared with the dark-horse candidate for ambassador to the United Nations whom President Bush almost selected! Before settling on his choice of Mr. Bolton, President Bush, I have learned from highly opaque sources, was considering the possibility of dispatching to the U.N.’s Taj Mahal on the East River a little-known amateur negotiator: Moose MacTavish, a tough-as-nails Scots-American who lives in a humble croft deep in the Highlands of North Carolina with his adoring wife Fiona and their 14 children, all of whom are under the age of 15. Why was the President so fascinated by the prospect of Moose MacTavish? First, the virile mountaineer would have been the first man in the world named “Moose” to be designated a diplomat; second, Mr. MacTavish has served on both sides of the North Atlantic with distinction as Grand Interlocutor of the Ancient and Ornery Caledonian Order of Scoti, Picts and Hirsute Highlanders, a semi-secret, interclan (with a “c,” not a “k”), transnational organization. Moose is known best for employing colorful and exquisitely fashioned tartan sashes to garrote his liberal enemies in political combat–the latter quality prompting Mr. Bush to note, “This guy sure has learnt all the ropes good!” To demonstrate, nevertheless, the temperateness of President Bush’s ultimate choice for the U.N. position, one needs only to compare the published positions taken by John Bolton with those staked out privately (for Mr. Bush’s ear) by Moose MacTavish: UN Real Estate.
Bolton: “If the U.N. Secretariat Building in New York lost 10 stories [where all the top brass have offices], it wouldn’t make a difference.”
MacTavish: “Forget the top 10 floors! Using eminent domain, I’d condemn all 39 stories and convert the entire building into an upscale time-share condo to be used exclusively by tourists from Red States while they’re savoring a bonnie time in the Big Apple.” Security Council Membership.
Bolton: “If I were redoing the Security Council today, I’d have one permanent member, because that’s the real reflection of the distribution of power in the world. And that one member would be the United States.”
MacTavish: “Not only should the U.S. be the only permanent member, it should be the only member, period. The other nations’ representatives can be minimum-wage valets to park and idle our Cadillac and Lincoln limos while we’re inside sipping the Glenlivet.” China.
Bolton: “Diplomatic recognition of Taiwan would be just the kind of demonstration of U.S. leadership that the region needs and that many of the people hope for.”
MacTavish: “We must recognize one China: Taiwan. The Commie mainland legally will be a rebel province, until the good guys take it over. MacChiang Kai-shek lives! Aye!” Nuclear Test Bans.
Bolton: [Supporters of the 1999 Nuclear Test Ban Treaty are] “misguided individuals following a timid and neo-pacifist line of thought.”
MacTavish: “To save the Free World, tactical nuclear testing must increase, but in sociological wastelands such as Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Oregon, Washington, California, Hawaii, Canada, London, France, Holland, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, the District of Columbia, plus Palm Beach and Broward Counties, Florida.” American Sovereignty.
Bolton: “The happiest moment of my government service” [was the day I signed the letter withdrawing the United States’ signature on the International Criminal Court of Justice Treaty].
MacTavish: “We should have allowed the ICCJ to operate for one hour, long enough to imprison Kofi Annan, his playboy son, and all the other U.N. officials and hangers-on who bagged Saddam Hussein’s oil money.” Helping the Third World.
Bolton: [Bill Clinton and Al Gore would rather spend taxpayers’ money on] “condoms and trees” [in developing countries instead of encouraging economic reforms and free markets].
MacTavish: “What are condoms?” Global Law.
Bolton: “It is a big mistake for us to grant any validity to international lawâ€¦ The goal of those who think that international law really means anything are those who want to constrict the United States.”
MacTavish: “Until the rest of the world adopts the very letter and spirit of the U.S. Constitution, including the entire Bill of Rights, I don’t want to hear a peep from those creeps about what we Yanks should do.” North Korea.
Bolton: “Kim Jong Il is a tyrannical dictator.”
MacTavish: “The wee lad wears elevator shoes and has a stylist who blows-dry his hair into a peak and sprays it with lacquer so that he’ll look taller. My 6-year-old lass could whip Kim’s butt.” Who’s Number One.
Bolton: “The correct American response is: ‘We did not need the Security Council’s permission to actâ€¦’ [The U.N.] is not worth the sacrifice of American troops, American freedom of action, or American national interests.”
MacTavish: “The United Nations shall ask for our permission just to use the boys’ room.” Liberals, therefore, should be relieved that John Bolton is about to become the United States’ ambassador to the United Nations, instead of Moose MacTavish. This, however, only delays liberals’ nightmare scenario, for Moose plans to wait patiently with Fiona at his side until 2009, when there will be four more little MacTavishes in the family, plus a new Republican President in the White House looking for fresh diplomatic talent to represent America in the Tower of Babel. Lay on, MacTavish!