Suggestions for John Bolton on How to Handle the Coming Confirmation Fight

News item: President Bush taps John Bolton for U.N. Ambassador. Dear John, Congratulations on the new gig as the president’s top dog (Rottweiler?) at the United Nations. Given the way the liberals have reacted to your appointment, your confirmation hearings are likely to generate more adrenalin than a gunfight in Fallujah. The thought of you representing us at the United Nations is driving the Bush-bashing, French-kissing, Blame-America-First crowd that savaged Condi Rice and Alberto Gonzales into a frenzy. John “Sore Loser” Kerry described your nomination as “just about the most inexplicable appointment the president could make.” Your appointment confirms their worst fears: They have “misunderestimated” President Bush again. He doesn’t just want to change the Middle East — he intends to change the world! You’ve had plenty of practice dealing with hostile solons, but permit me to offer some friendly advice based on personal experience sitting at that cloth-covered table:

  • First, recognize that the Senate Libs really do hate your guts. They will tell you off-camera that “there is nothing personal” in what they are saying during the “hearing.” Don’t believe them. You are the only one in the room who has to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To paraphrase Col. Jessup, “They can’t handle the truth,” but don’t let that stop you. If you just tell the truth, Teddy Kennedy’s head may finally explode.
  • Second, remember, you know a lot more about the important issues than they do. The senators grilling you will be reading questions written for them by staffers who think themselves the smartest people on earth. Based on your expertise as the under secretary of state for arms control and international security, you are the world’s expert on the dangerously inept International Atomic Energy Agency. You know far better than anyone on “the Hill” that this so-called U.N. “watchdog” is really a Chihuahua — headed by Keystone Cop Mohammad ElBaradei.
  • Third, it’s the sex thing, John. If you want to see the Libs on the raised dais squirm, bring up the sexual malfeasance that infects every level of the United Nations. Remind them that Ruud Lubbers had to resign as high commissioner for refugees under a cloud of stink not seen since the Clinton White House. Tell ’em about the so-called U.N. “peacekeepers” in Congo who rape women and girls as young as seven and the U.N. general who molested his translator — a young boy. And then ask the potentates of pork why these blue bonnets who leave destitute refugees with a slew of fatherless children and new diseases should be immune to prosecution.
  • Fourth, call ’em as you see ’em, John. The bloated bigwigs attacking you aren’t used to plain English. Like the striped-pants-set at the United Nations, the senators who are giving you a hard time are masters at obfuscation — like calling a tax increase “revenue enhancement.” When they try this, remind them about Rwanda, where the United Nations failed to act and 800,000 perished, or Kosovo, where the tortured remains exhumed from mass graves scream for justice. And then tell the good senators who purport to care about “human rights” that while they delay your appointment, the United Nations has “looked into” the situation in Sudan and found that while “crimes against humanity” have occurred, there’s no evidence of a “policy of genocide.” Tell your inquisitors who bought Bill Clinton’s definition of the word is, that when you get to the United Nations, you will call genocide what it is: genocide.
  • Fifth, Kofi’s utter lack of leadership. Lots of the guys who don’t want you at the United Nations love to be seen on the cocktail circuit with their pal Kofi Annan. Tell Kofi’s cronies that their buddy presided over the “Oil-for-Food” scandal — where billions of dollars to feed Iraqis were instead spent by Saddam to build palaces, purchase weapons and buy-off foreign leaders to keep the big, bad United States at bay. They will point out that Paul Volcker has already nailed Kofi’s chum, Benon Sevan — the 30-year-U.N.veteran who headed up the Oil for Food program. Remind them that Kofi’s son, Kojo, is implicated, as well. Kofi swears he “didn’t know anything” about it all. That argument didn’t work for Martha Stewart or the folks running Enron.
  • Sixth, “Eurocrats” in our Senate will want to know your views on giving Germany a permanent seat — and a “veto” — on the Security Council. Counter by suggesting that since “Old Europe” is so fond of a single currency and talking about pulling out of NATO to build their own “EU Intervention Force,” a better option would be to give the French “seat” on the Security Council to the EU — and require their ambassador to speak in Flemish.
  • Finally, remember that the guys trying to peel your hide are “tax and spend” experts. Ask ’em how the United Nations’ madcap idea of taxing American citizens under its so-called “Millennium Development Goals” will go down with their constituents. For good measure, tell your well-dressed interrogators that when you get to the United Nations, you will do something about that unnatural shade of blue U.N. troops wear on deployments. It sticks out like a pink feather boa and screams “put crosshairs here.”

John, I haven’t been this excited about a U.N. ambassador since the heady days of Jeanne Kirkpatrick. Keep your cool in the hearings. Save your best for New York. It should be a fun ride.