Resolutions are for Imperfect People

Every January it’s the same old thing: resolve, resolve, resolve. Resolve to eat better. Resolve to exercise. Resolve to listen more and talk less. Resolve to spend less time in front of the television and more time in books. As many of you know, I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions — well, not ones that apply to me. In fact, I don’t believe that I’ve ever made one for myself. Why? Because I find the notion that I need to change a bit offensive. It is not I who needs to improve, but the rest of the world. That said — I have no qualms with making resolutions for others. Here are a few that came to me while I was wolfing down my third Big Mac while watching reruns of Seinfeld as my wife was yelling something to me about the "mess" in the garage (if you don’t "get" some of them, please don’t write to me to let me know; I’m not sure I understand all of them either): Teddy Kennedy: Never use the word "drowning" again — ever. Conspiracy-Believing Base of the Democratic Party: Remove radio receivers from molars, thereby preventing people like Michael Moore from sending you secret messages while hovering over you in black helicopters as you sit in your group homes calling in to C-SPAN to spread the messages that already have been transmitted into your already feeble minds — messages like: "Kerry actually won in Ohio" or "The Bush family was behind the attacks on September 11" or "There’s no way the exit polls were wrong." Congressional Black Caucus: Continue to alienate selves from the rest of America. Teresa Heinz-Kerrry: Give up gin-soaked white raisins. Sen. John Kerry: Eat more gin-soaked white raisins; find some way to accuse American troops in the Middle East of war crimes and liken them to Genghis Khan; find even wealthier woman. . . Michael Moore: Steadfastly continue to call the American people "stupid" and "ignorant" — eventually the rest of the country will come around to join your fan base. Tom Daschle: Take up . . . well . . . what exactly is he good at? Washington State Democrats: Pass a state voting reform bill clarifying that in the third vote tally only votes found under rocks in King County are permitted to be counted. Sen. Barbara Boxer: Stop taking marching orders from Michael Moore; sign up for Carlyle Group marching orders. BCS Officials: Cut down on paperwork and hassle that always builds up at the end of the season and name the #1- and #2-ranked NCAA football teams that will face each other in the championship by Halloween. Kofi Annan: Stop holding back and finally let the rest of the world really know how much disdain you have for America. Dan Rather: Apply for fact-checking job at the New York Times. Sen. John McCain: Shoot for at least one mention per week on the cover of the New York Times and the Washington Post by turning on the Republican Party leadership and the Bush White House. Sen. Chuck Hagel: (See McCain above) New York Times: Get a jump on the competition and endorse Hillary for President by the end of January. Mel Gibson: With profits from The Passion, buy two islands — one for the Gibson family, and one for those Hollywood-types who can’t bring themselves to actually go through with their threats to move to Canada if Bush were to win the election.