Christmas Gifts For My Favorite Targets
It’s that time again when I take a look back at some of the subjects of my past year’s columns and muse about what I would get each of them for Christmas, if I could, in fact, be bothered – which I can’t. But here we go anyway.
President Barack Obama: Ten sessions with my chiropractor so he can improve his flexibility when he’s bowing to various world leaders. By the eighth session he should be able to bow low enough from a straight-legged standing position to plant kisses on the Chinese where it would be most appreciated by the recipients. Will also help improve the golf swing.
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin: A shark, a harness, and four vials of testosterone. To cinch presidential re-election next May, in the final stretch of the campaign he can wrestle a harness onto the shark on Russian state television, ride it around, then inject it with testosterone and pick a fight with it. As the manliness amps up to 647%, so will United Russia’s voter turnout.
Occupy Wall Street Protesters: One-way tickets to Moscow to continue the “peeved off and bored” world tour. Added bonus: Shark show. Second added bonus: Second-hand exposure to testosterone.
Russian President (soon to be Putin-punted) Dmitry Medvedev: Tony Robbins self-esteem building tapes.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy: A five-month “sleep cure”. The French will say, “Where’s Sarkozy? He’s being so presidential and dignified lately. So discreet! Such a change from his usual behavior!” Wake up refreshed and re-elected. Beats doing something the French denounce as “hyperactive” or grotesque, like coming up with new ideas. Save the substance for after the win when it’s too late to offend anyone. Aim for image improvement now. And that image should be nonthreatening to the point of comatose.
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper: A cat from the local pet rescue shelter. He loves cats, fosters cats, and has cats crawling all over him in photos. Gee, I wonder which global leader is weathering the global economic storm the best? The guy with the cats all over his official website in the place in the space typically reserved for describing useless and pandering government programs, that’s who.
Airport Security Officials: Loofah mitts and massage oil. Make yourself useful the next time you do that thing where you insist that I go behind a curtain reserved for those least likely to fit any kind of threat profile. Maybe I’ll even tip you if you do a better job than my local spa.
Former IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn: A treadmill. He can harness and sublimate his apparent boundless sexual enthusiasm with that. Maybe it could even be tethered into an electrical grid so it could power a city.
Man-made Global Warming Proponents: I have an entire closet worth of gifts for you, but I first need you to pay me $1,000 per gift of undisclosed value so I can make a donation of equally questionable value to a remote village in Brazil in your name to offset the guilt you should feel for accepting my generosity. Where do you think these gifts came from? That’s right – from evil, for which you must now personally compensate. My Swiss bank account is standing by.
GOP Primary Candidates: Book deals. Let me be the first of what I’m sure will be many requests that you prolong the boring of an entire nation in the eventual aftermath of this seemingly never-ending exercise in fighting amongst each over the ultimate chance at beating someone George W. Bush could probably now run his dog Barney against and beat.
The European Union: Gift certificate for twelve group counseling therapy sessions. Let’s try to keep the drama dialed down a bit in 2012. All the shrieking over credit card abuse is distracting. Cut them up already or get help.
Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi: Movie passes. They expire in June, so claim soon or I’ll use them myself. Might I suggest a buddy movie with a happy ending?