Social & Domestic Issues

Some Dreams Just Need Killing: More Advice for the ’99 Percent’ Movement

Finished high school and accumulated trade jobs instead of college debt. Worked hard to make myself indispensable at work while living cheaply with roommates. Used birth control. Acquired no credit cards, cash only. Excised unhealthy habits (and people) from my life and focused on maintaining a strong and healthy body instead of paying for health insurance. Had a vasectomy. Used visualization techniques to augment my mental health. Lived within my means and did what made me happy and never trusted a system I had to depend on.

I AM NOT THE 99% BUT I AM NOT THE 1%, EITHER

Dear Snipped Seducer,

Dude, oversharing about your vasectomy has to be one of the worst pickup schemes we’ve ever seen.

‘Hey, baby, are you up for a little shooting practice? Fair warning, I can fire blanks all … night … long.’

Please, please tell us that announcing your boys can’t swim was just part of your hilarious trolling of the 99 Percenters. Because if it’s really one of your super smooth moves, defanging the ol’ cobra may have been wishful thinking on your part.

On the plus side, Rico Suave, your ‘visualization techniques’ will surely come in handy when you’re bagging the only piece of tail within your reach–yourself.

But nice job living within your means. There’s clearly a vas deferens between you and the 99 Percent Movement.


21 Years old

My city is 17% unemployed, I’m $20k plus in student loans for a criminal justice degree. The police department is going bankrupt, and the sheriffs department has been on a hiring freeze for 3 years while Wall St drinks champagne.

I am the 99%

Dear FBI Profiler’s Dream,

Dude, we can only see one eye and we are terrified. Terrified. And if your job application and/or resume looks anything like the FBI profiler’s wet dream of a note above, then perhaps the Sheriff’s Department only has a hiring freeze for sociopathic nut-jobs? The Zodiac Killer’s notes have nothing on yours, for cripes sake.

Further, sure some folks on Wall Street may be drinking champagne, but at least they aren’t having someone’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.  Plus, instead of whining about Wall Street perhaps you should take some time out from what we suspect is your nightly ‘hunting’ along the wharf and spend some time working to vote out the people who are collecting and spending your municipality’s taxes and not putting them to good use. Because it seems certain your neighborhood can use all the police protection it can get.

P.S. We’ve sent your ‘note’ to Quantico.


I Just Hate Capitalism

Dear Hates Capitalism (and Cosmetics):

By ‘capitalism’ did you, of course, mean all the mean girls in high school? We suspect you may be suffering from some post-slam book stress syndrome. Or maybe you just inadvertently left off the ‘and cosmetics’ at the end?

Because otherwise we are confused. What, pray tell, is it that you actually hate about capitalism? The way that it’s all free market-y and rewards those who try and work hard? You know, harder than spewing one line manifestos with zero insight or explanation, at least.

We do notice that you have no qualms about taking advantage of the convenience of such pesky capitalist-y companies like 3M and their awesome post-its. We suggest that you try dipping your toes further into the capitalist pool – start with Revlon or Maybelline.

You’re welcome.


I am a 28 year old MENSA member with a B.S. in physics. My wife served her term in the Air Force honorably. I have marketable skills and experience as a scientist, a web developer, and a business analyst. I am (fortunately) employed. We do not own HD TVs, expensive automobiles, use cable TV, or indulge in other ‘dumb spending’. We are $80,000 in debt, plus our mortgage which we can barely pay. I cannot afford new shoes and am missing several teeth from lack of affordable dental care.

We are the 99%. Denial of our plight is a salve for your psyche allowing you to believe it could not happen to you. You too, are the 99%. Join us.

Dear Real Man of Genius,

Oh, man. You’re that guy, the one in the sweaty rugby shirt who sidles up to women at Starbucks to introduce yourself as a card-carrying Mensa member. Did you get your card laminated or do they do that for you? We bet your membership is proudly displayed on your resume, er, curriculum vitae, too. Right at the top.

Guess your fellow brainiacs didn’t stop you from taking out a mortgage you couldn’t afford. Who knew your membership in Club Smug couldn’t pass as legal tender?

Here’s a tip for the next time you’re sending out job applications (or making Occupy Wall Street signs). ‘Mensa’ isn’t actually an acronym and capitalizing it is pretty much annihilating your smartypants street cred. And really, you might as well stamp each resume with ‘FRIENDLESS DOUCHECANOE.’ (Also not an acronym.)

But back to your ‘plight.’ You claim you can’t afford dental care for your rotting teeth even though you don’t indulge in ‘dumb spending.’ You also shell out as much as $84 a year on your Mensa dues. Is that how geniuses spend money they don’t have?

Try putting that 84 bucks toward a trip to the dentist. If you’ve been brushing and flossing, your dentist might give you a gold star, a free toothbrush, and the long, hard ego strokes you so desperately crave.

If you need more advice, come find us. Until then, we’ll be salving our psyches with a balm concocted from your self-entitled tears.


I have never been appreciated, in retail, for any potential other than selling other people crap, half of which they do not need, and most of which they probably cannot really afford. I hate being used like that, I want a useful job.

I am the 99 percent.

Dear Words Are Hard:

While the chalkboard is a creative touch, you failed in a couple of ways. First, one cannot use a chalkboard without bursting into tears. It’s unheard of! We’re pretty sure Glenn Beck has trademarked that, though. Secondly, what on earth do you think ‘retail’ means? Working in retail means ‘selling other people crap’. That’s the entire purpose of retail SALES. If you are appreciated for that, then job well done!

Do you expect ‘appreciation’ just for existing? You feel like you are being ‘used’? By receiving a paycheck for doing work that you were hired to do?  We suspect you are a victim of the participatory ribbon generation, in which y’all believe that you should be patted on the back with rousing standing ovations merely for being.

By the way, your ‘big boy’ facial hair is super creepy and unseemly. Instead of attempting big boy facial hair, try putting on big boy pants (this does not include skinny jeans) and grow up. Bless your heart.


RETIRED

DIET and LIFESTYLE ONLY INSURANCE

WE ARE THE 99%

SUPPORT FDR’S SECOND BILL of RIGHTS

Dear Straining Socialist,

We can’t help but notice the, uh, difficulty you’re having in that photo. Surely you realize that FDR’s ‘Second Bill of Rights’ didn’t mention anything about Ex-Lax, right? Free housing, free education, and a guaranteed living wage aren’t gonna clear the logjam from your river.

With apologies to Ronald Reagan, the most terrifying words in the English language are actually: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here with a stool softener.’

So what’s the answer to your woes? Fiber. Lots and lots of fiber.


i am a 19 year old student with 18 credit hours and 2 part time jobs. i am over 4000 dollars in debt but my paychecks are just enough to get me to school and back. next year my plan was to attend a 4 year college and get my bfa, but now i am afraid that without a co-signer i will have no shot at a loan and even if i can get a loan i am afraid that i will leave college with no future and a crippling debt. as a family we are losing our home. my mother lost her job and hasnt been able to find one. we are all living paycheck to paycheck. the stress is taking physical tolls on all of us but i still consider myself one of the lucky ones

Dear Needs A Kick In The Arse:

Gee, genius, if you don’t qualify for a loan, isn’t that a sign that you should not get a loan? And, if you know that your college degree – in your willingly chosen course of study – is worthless and will only serve to leave you in what you say will be ‘crippling’ debt, then isn’t that a sign to not do it? Oh, but it’s a Bachelor of Fine Arts – get ready to ride that gravy train! To, you know, nowhere.

If your family is living paycheck to paycheck, which, believe us, we understand, then perhaps your paychecks would be better spent in helping out your family, rather than paying your travel back and forth to a school that is doing nothing for you but indulging your ‘but I WANT to’ whims.

We have a wonderful idea for what you need in your future: A swift kick in the arse. The end.


I am an artist. Most of the projects I could be up for are going overseas for super low fees. Help me-us.

I am the 99%

[inept doodle]

Dear ‘So You Think You Can Draw’,

Wait, you’re an artist? A visual artist?

Bless your precious heart.

Judging by that pathetic doodle on your sign, it seems no one explained to you that those high school art awards were participation trophies. A left-brained preschooler with limited motor skills, construction paper, and a fistful of Crayolas would kick your arse in an art competition.

Oh, and those durn meddlin’ fuhr’ners didn’t steal your projects away with their super low fees. They just brought something to the table that you didn’t: talent.

Have you tried finding work in the field of art education? You know what they say: those who can’t do …


I am studying to be a nurse because Registered nurses makes (sic) a good amount of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$. My BIG DREAM is to a Fashion Designer but I’m scared that talent isn’t enough to succeed. I am the 99%

Dear Project Runway Wannabe:

Oh, honey, you are just precious.  Sweetie, we don’t think talent is the problem. We know Project Runway is super cool and all, but there is no way Tim Gunn could possibly ever say ‘Make it Work’ regarding that hot mess above. A pair of scissors, a spool of thread and a Budget Rental Car blazer does not a fashion designer make.

But – but – your dreams! We know; oh, the humanity. But some dreams just need killing. And this is one of them. We are givers, so we’ll tell you the truth. It’s far crueler to lie and aid someone in their delusions of grandeur by pretending that they are awesome and oh-so-special.  You played soccer in one of those score-less leagues, didn’t you?

If only someone had done the same for President Obama, instead of constantly feeding his unwarranted hubris. We wouldn’t be in the huge mess that we are in right now, were that the case. That’s speaking truth to power, baby. Also, Heidi Klum says ‘You’re out.’ She has a fancy foreign accent, so you can’t claim some sort of bigotry. She’s all citizen of the world-y and such.


Sign Up