7 Conservative Ways to Celebrate Earth Day
The real purpose of the modern Greenie Movement is to provide a seemingly reasonable and unified excuse to persecute all the things that liberals already hate: capitalism, private property, rednecks, industry, energy, America, Texas, hunting, fishing, guns, SUVs, Genesis 1:26, suburbs, exurbs, farms, ranches, fur, meat, fossil fuels, nuclear fuels, all other fuels, white people, rich people, other people, and themselves.
This is unfortunate, because while the Environmental Patients are flopping around having philosophical conniption fits and temper tantrums over fox hunting, hamburgers and urban sprawl, there are actual environmental problems in the world that are not being solved because they run counter to the Greenie agenda.
Plus, once normal people have seen a PETA member in a fake hazmat suit and a gas mask throwing cow blood on a Starbucks drive-through to protest… uh, well, whatever it is the gas mask and fake coffin crowd is protesting that spring break, the likelihood of them becoming involved in anything remotely connected to the environment drops off asymptotically.
But always being one who would rather light a candle than curse your darkness (despite the candle’s carbon emissions, mind you), I thought I would suggest a few things that the normals can do to actually save the Earth, most likely from the Greens.
So Happy Earth Day, Y’all:
1) Kill something, eat it, repeat as often as sustainable. As any greenie can tell you, factory farming of monoculture crops is bad, bad, bad. It therefore stands to reason that going out into the ultimate polyculture of nature and putting a 6.5×55 mm Swede through the vitals of an unfarmed food critter is good, good, good. There are no fertilizers, no transportation from Chile, no profits, no runoff, no phosphates, no hormones, no genetic engineering, no close confinement, no slash, no burn, no trans fats, and no worries about “fair trade.”
Hunting and fishing for personal consumption are the ultimate form of “Buy Local,” and they don’t even involve any dirty human money. If liberals really cared about the Earth as anything other than a lawyer’s trick to enact their agenda, you would see a dead deer strapped to the roof of every Volvo and Lexus in America this fall, assuming their drivers could shoot straight and there were enough tags to go around.
2) Build a windmill in Ted Kennedy’s yard. You will read many superlatives in the eventual obituaries for Ted “Too tired to call for help” Kennedy when they are written. One you will not see is that he is personally responsible, along with his various Fredo-like offshoots, for the single greatest act of environmental hypocrisy in American history. After years of railing for alternative energy and using it as a bludgeon against opponents, how did the Kennedy Clan react when private innovators announced plans to build America’s first offshore windfarm, capable of powering much of the leftist La La Land of Cape Cod and the Islands? Well, they used all their considerable wealth and political power to do everything possible to delay, destroy and slander it, of course – because it would be visible (as a tiny figure on the distant horizon) from the expensive windows of the walled and storied Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port.
Plus they might have to see it from their various yachts when they took them out for a sail. All their talk was just that – talk. The only principle the Kennedys had, when they had a chance to lead by example, was to join with their billionaire neighbors to preserve their absolute dominion over the Atlantic Ocean as their personal playground for as far as any keen eye might see. By doing this, they also preserved the fossil fuel tankers that must chug out to the area constantly to fuel the power plants there. But they don’t own land near those hazards. When the time comes to discuss what taxpayer-funded boondoggle of a monument must be built to the Lying of the Senate, I would like to suggest “The Ted Kennedy Memorial Windfarm and Oldsmobile Mooring.”
3) Stop illegal immigration. Population growth is another big threat, according to the Greenies, as are Americans and their costly lifestyle of non-poverty. The main source of population growth in America for years has been immigration in general and most of that has been illegal. If you want to control the population of affluent America to save the planet, then you must control illegal immigration. But for some reason, liberals don’t like that obvious conclusion, even though without illegal immigration, America would have near-zero population growth, a liberal rallying cry. But again, it just shows the real purpose of environmentalism is to provide cover for old liberal orthodoxies in the modern age. Green is the new Red.
4) Build a nuclear power plant. No carbon dioxide, no rich sheiks, high-tech new-economy jobs that can’t be outsourced, and nuke plants consume uranium that might otherwise go to build nuclear bombs. Greens love nuclear, right? Oh wait, they don’t? That must be because it is an actual solution. And the waste – well that’s the best part! It’s a valuable resource we will one day exhume from its storage sites to reprocess for even more energy and useful isotopes. The fact that all the energy to power a city for years results in nothing but a few drums of solid waste shows how incredibly clean it is. A coal plant produces tons of waste every day – and sends it right into the air. That’s how non-nuclear plants store their waste – in our lungs.
5) If you love nature, find a use for it. Deer, ducks, perch, bass, mink, quail, elk, moose, rabbits, stripers, walleye, squirrels and other such animals aren’t going extinct anytime soon. That’s because they have found a useful place in American culture as game animals. The best way to preserve land, plants, and animals, is to find a use for them, so that men will defend them when they are threatened. Hunters have preserved far more land than animal rights “activists.” Fisherman care more about mercury in the water than any self-declared “riverkeeper.”
6) Encourage wealth, private property, and capitalism. Poor countries have crappy, sterile, used-up, threatened and poisoned environments. Rich countries have National Parks, State Forests, private gamelands, wildlife preserves, marine sanctuaries and about a million other protected areas set aside for nature. They have clean water. They dispose of their waste properly. They enforce the laws they pass because they can afford to. They don’t barbecue the last Mountain Gorilla because they need the $3 it will bring. Compare Texas to Ukraine to see what private property preserves and “common” property destroys.
7) Sprawl out to where nature is, get to know it. This is the residential version of “if you love nature, find a use for it.” Environmentalists tend to cluster in sterile, polluted concrete cities so far removed from nature that they wouldn’t know which of their beloved endangered species was which if one actually crawled up and bit them in the butt (and we can only hope). They dress in man-made fabrics and live man-made lives of man-focused activities in their egocentric, media-saturated, prepackaged, third floor, utilities-included look-how-cool-I-am posing and shopping human worlds. The suburbanites and rednecks they hate so intensely, meanwhile, actually live out there with all that nature the Greenies claim to love so much. It runs through their yards. It is given tribute in the back windows of their trucks. It occupies their weekends. And it is real to them, not just a debating device that justifies their pre-existing and well-rehearsed indignations. For some people, Earth Day is any day they can sneak out of work and go fishing. But I promise I was really sick Friday afternoon when there was that major peak in the solunar tables. (Mmmm, perch. Yum).