Energy & Environment

Kangaroo: Tasty Green Meat

Global Warmageddon is upon us, and one thing is certain: kangaroo farts are definitely not to blame.    

So say studies out of Australia, that reveal that any gas coming from down under the hopping pouched marsupials is nearly methane-free.  

This means that one will never know the joy of lighting a kangaroo fart.  On the other hand, it also means that roo toots do not contribute to the greenhouse effect in the same way that the methane-rich digestive emissions of cattle and sheep do.

According to leading experts in the field of animal farts, 14% of all the greenhouse gas emitted in Australia is in the form of “enteric methane” from cattle and sheep.  In New Zealand, the silent butt deadly problem is even worse: 50% of greenhouse gases entering the atmosphere originate from the guts of domestic ruminants.

A number of solutions for the problem of ruminant methane are being explored.  Some scientists propose trying to transfer the intestinal bacteria of kangaroos to cattle and sheep, a process that will no doubt take many, many grant renewals to reach completion.  

Theoretically, the eco-friendly kangaroo gut bugs will cut greenhouse emissions from cattle and sheep, as they produce very little methane compared to the bacteria that ruminants have foolishly evolved without first consulting Al Gore.  Instead of methane, the gut-engineered cows of the future will emit a pleasant blast of menthol at the end of each meal.  Ok, I made that part up.  But if you’re going to engineer a sweeter fart, why not go all the way?  Let’s do this thing right and get the “Renuzit” people involved.  Holsteins, now in cinamooooooooooooon!

Others propose a more direct solution: why not just dispense with cattle and sheep altogether, and eat kangaroos instead.  The idea may offend some, but I believe it has a lot of potential.

Not only are kangaroos low in fat, free range, fresh smelling and efficient users of feed, but half the population has a little hot pocket built right in.  Yes, many kangaroos come pre-stuffed with a tasty bit of “joey veal” right inside.  Mmmmm, boneless — and milk-filled!

Hamburgeroo, steakaroo, rice-a-rooni, ratarooi, and prime roob are just some of the popular dishes we could one day eat at fine restaurants such as Roo-the-day, Burger Kang, Joey in the Box, and Outback Steakhouse.

And why stop at kangaroos?  Koalas are sure to share much the same gut bacteria as kangaroos, and given their diet, their flatulence really might smell like eucalyptus!

Sure they’re cute, but think about the Earth here.  If you don’t eat a baby koala right now, sea levels could rise 20-30 feet by Tuesday.

I don’t want that kind of guilt on my conscience, so I’m ordering a koala casserole while there’s still time.  Oo, and I’ll have panda pudding for dessert.  Sure, pandas aren’t marsupials, but I have to assume their rear winds are fresh and cute.  I challenge you to tell me you’ve ever been offended by a panda fart.  I rest my case.

I don’t know about you, but I look forward to the day when my meals are chosen primarily around the possible flatulence of the animal being consumed.  

Kangaroo: the other “green” meat!


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