Immigration

Instant Mexicans!

Every year, millions of American children waste their potential on education. Lord knows I wasted mine that way. Americans once believed that education was the path to personal success and national economic advancement. But as any supporter of illegal immigration will tell you, the real bedrock of the American economy is actually the uneducated, unskilled “migrant worker.”

Without a steady supply of millions of foreign high school dropouts, New York City would collapse and America as a whole would wither and die — as we have learned repeatedly in the illegal immigration debate, most recently from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Yet despite the critical national need for illiterate labor, America still remains addicted to foreign toil. It is therefore critical that America seek domestic toil alternatives immediately. We must become peon-energy independent in the 21st Century!

The good news is that America is already half-way to “peonergy” independence: our public school system produces millions of illiterates every year! Why then do we remain so addicted to foreign illiterates, the backbone of a healthy modern economy? The short answer is “motivation.” It is not enough to merely produce throngs of unintelligible ignoramuses; they must also be well motivated by desperation and hardship — and this is where America has taken a wrong turn on the path toward increased domestic toil supplies. We foolishly feed our underclass for free!

While Mexico and its neighbors wisely leave their poor to discover the joys of independent employment in the exciting field of working in fields, America has taken its most valuable economic resource, the illiterate laborer, and turned them all into shiftless and expensive layabouts suckling noisily at the teat of the morbidly obese welfare state. Please excuse the visual that must have created in your mind.

The key to economic advancement in this century is not “education” or “technology” or even the much over-hyped pretender “innovation”; it is getting our illiterates into the workforce muy pronto, before we are eclipsed in the economic arms race by emerging manual labor superpowers such as Mexico and Crapistan .

Therefore, I modestly propose the following one-step plan to finally unlock the potential of America’s uneducated future. Next month, instead of a welfare check, food stamps, housing voucher, or other public assistance, every welfare recipient in America will receive a green card in the mail. Accompanying the green card will be a map of America, with all day labor centers marked by large dollar symbols. The connection between work and wages will all be explained in the enclosed note:

Congratulations! You are already in America and entitled to work! (This saves you all the trouble of sneaking in and demanding amnesty from the Republicrat Congress.) You will still receive a monthly check capable of supporting you at the level to which you have become accustomed. However, it will now come from “Gabrielli Brothers Landscaping” (or some other business in need of your valuable unskills) and they may expect you to cut a little grass first (or perform some other such unskilled labor). Welcome to America! Now get to work!

Not only would this simple plan free us from the constant worry associated with our dependence on foreign toil, it would also begin to address the obesity epidemic that has swept our country — an epidemic that has hit the poor hardest, after all. America’s many housing projects would quickly become priceless “casa projects” producing the millions of peppy ditch diggers upon which America’s greatness depends. In fact, our supply of labor could become so abundant that many well-motivated Americans might start sneaking into Mexico looking for work, necessitating that Mexico build a wall along its border with the U.S. to protect its sovereignty.

There’s just one problem that I can see with my plan to create a strategic labor reserve right here in America: no buzzwords. How can any modern economic plan get by without using one of the following power-packed nuggets: “synergy,” “outsourcing,” “real-time,” or “globalization?” So here is an alternative plan that uses these very meaningful words. America’s unskilled labor needs in this age of globalization would be met in real-time via outsourcing, thus releasing synergy .

Here’s how the plan would work. For every illegal alien that crosses our border with Mexico, we would export one welfare recipient the other way. After a generation or so in Mexico, these former unemployables should be ambitious enough to smuggle themselves back into America and take the jobs that are beneath our poor. This perpetual exchange would be especially important, since it could be expected that the children of today’s illegal immigrants will become addicted to America’s welfare system and ruined for all practical economic purposes. Worse yet, some of these children may attend college or even (God forbid), graduate school, thus removing them from the most vital portion of the economy — table bussing.

Either way, these plans could provide America with the steady and abundant supply of unskilled, illiterate labor which undergirds her status as the world’s sole remaining superpower.


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