Ripped From the Headlines: Patches Kennedy’s Excuse

Just six weeks ago a series of well-publicized stories appeared in the popular press documenting a new phenomenon, people driving dazed after becoming disoriented by the prescription sleep medication "Ambien."

In a remarkable coincidence, Representative Patrick "Patches" Kennedy (D.-R.I.) has announced that his mysterious late-night Capitol Hill car crash, in which he slammed into a barricade after nearly hitting a police officer while driving at 3:00 a.m. without the aid of headlights, occurred while he was taking the prescription sleep medication "Ambien."

"Apparently, I was disoriented from the medication," Patches surmised in a statement issued tonight.

This disorientation also explains why the Rhode Island Democrat, son of Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy (D -MA), also inadvertently misrepresented his actions to Capitol Hill Police after the accident. Rep. Kennedy told officers that he was on his way to a vote in Congress when the accident occurred. "Some time around 2:45 a.m., I drove the few blocks to the Capitol Complex believing I needed to vote," Kennedy explained.

In a remarkable coincidence, claiming to be on his way to a vote would have made it illegal to arrest the Congressman and subject him to any sobriety test, since the Constitution states that Senators and Representatives "shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same."

The blurting out of this legally binding statement was not subterfuge, but incoherence. Remember: "Apparently, I was disoriented from the medication."

Legal scholars were said to be shocked that Kennedy had read the Constitution.

Kennedy, a former cocaine addict under treatment for bipolar disorder, was also involved in a separate car crash two weeks ago while driving to a pharmacy and received facial injuries from a freak hammer accident between the two vehicular mishaps.

"Apparently, I was disoriented from the medication," was a statement he did not issue regarding the previous accidents.

Kennedy is expected to be returned to Congress by a landslide victory this November.

No word on whether the people of his district have been disoriented by any medications.


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